Get Your Stuff Together! How to Hit the Restart Button.

By John fear of rejection, Optimism, Overcome Fear, Self-Care, Self-improvement, True Success

Regretting that you didn’t start earlier is a great distraction from moving on your dream today, and the reality is that today is earlier than tomorrow.
Jon Acuff

Do you suffer from the paralysis of analysis? Are fear and lack of focus and holding you back?
Here is a path you can take to get moving again.

You are going to Get Your Stuff Together startin now!

Step # 1 – Get off your duff, quit making excuses and be brutally and totally honest about what you want. And aim lower! Get your stuff together!
You see you will never write the perfect book.
There will never be a perfect race.
There will never be a perfect idea.
There will never be a perfect relationship.
And you will never be a “perfect Christian,” apart from the finished work that Jesus did for you on the Cross.
There will never be a perfect meal, dessert or car. There will never be an ideal solution.
Why?
Perfection does not exist on this side of heaven.
So, what are you and I supposed to do?
Aim lower, destroy perfection and get something done. (Jon Acuff; Finish)
If you and I tend to set the bar too high, we will do a complete faceplate every time! We will haul off and do nothing and then either blame the world, our parents our ourselves, make excuses and limp off into the sunset.
There is no way we can win squat if we hold ourselves to entirely unrealistic expectations.
So, lower the bar.
If you are a nonfiction author like myself the odds of you becoming a Delia Owens, James Madison, Rachel Hollis, or Dr. Gary Chapman are pretty slim. So, aim lower! Here is a hint that helped me last year when I launched my latest book, The No Fear Entrepreneur, I found a smaller niche. And what happened, on launch day it was the #1 Best Selling Kindle, Paid, Christian Books-Christian Living-Professional Growth.
I had to get myself in a category where I could excel.
Congrats! You survived the first point, I think the most challenging thing to do is to start!

Other things to help Get Your Stuff Together to Move Forward?

Step # 2 Simplify Your Tasks.
The quickest way to do this is by getting more reality-based about how you invest your time.
How about this, rather than spending time on the latest time-saving app, get a small notebook, and jot down how you spend your day. Work on tracking your time use for about a week, and you will begin to get a clearer idea of how you spend your time.
As you keep this simple record, you will begin to discern the ebbs and flows of your days.
By the end of the week you should be able to have a more unobstructed view of how you use your time then you can begin to make some gentle, user-friendly adjustments that will give you more time to do the things you need to do in the nooks and crannies.

Step # 3 Get Your Mental Health Stuff Together.
Did you know that by doing just a little bit of self-care and self-management you can significantly enhance your mental health at absolutely no cost to you?
As a professional counselor for over 35 years, I have a couple of gems for you.
Often one of the best ways of dealing with anxiety-producing situations is to stare them in the face and rip their mask off and see them for what they are. If you fail to do this, you might work yourself into a hissy fit and tie yourself into a useless pile to twisted knots.
This is the type of approach to use when there is some type of kinetic response is required. This type of anxiety means that you either have to stop doing something or start doing something.
Another strategy, which may not feel very intuitive, maybe to hit the pause button and do nothing.
I use this illustration when I am teaching people how to manage their thought life.
Let’s say it is 3 minutes until quitting time and you receive a short email from your boss, it is somewhat ambiguous, short, and he/she wants to see you first thing in the morning.
Now you could get pretty worked up over something like this and even to the point of losing your appetite and missing sleep.
DON’T
The other option – you could sleep on it, pray and meditate on it and see what happens. There is a high probability that it is harmless.

Step # 4 START NOW!

If you need some help getting started email me for a free consult.

Here is a little story from an obscure Old Testament Passage.
31 After Ehud, Shamgar son of Anath rescued Israel. He once killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Judges 2:31 NLT
What is the lesson here?
Start where you are.
Use what you have.
Do what you can.
Trust God.

Here are some helpful resources:
Jon Acuff ’s books
Start – Much Fear in the Face and Do Work that Matters
Finish – Give Yourself the Gift of Done
Karen Porter- If You Give a Girl a Giant
Carol Dweck – Mindset
Sarah Knight – Get Your S#*t Together John Thurman- The No Fear Entrepreneur

7 Steps That Will Enhance Self-Care

By John Burnout Prevention, Compassion Fatigue, Resilience, Self-Care, Stress Management

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Matthew 22:39
Jesus

What comes to mind when you read the words Self-care or Self-Compassion? Are you aware that one of the components of resilient, successful people is they practice self-care?

For many people, the first reaction self-care is often one of concern, misgiving, or uneasiness. They believe that being kind and gracious to themselves might make them weak, more vulnerable, or even snotty (a clinical word that could mean arrogant, puffed up, or aloof). They erroneously think self-criticism keeps them accountable or improves their performance. They are sometimes overly concerned that letting go of the nasty habit of self-criticism will somehow cause them to appear less competent.

I believe one of the things those of us who have struggled in this area have a hard time understanding is that the reverse is true; tormenting ourselves and holding ourselves to be accountable to completely unrealistic expectations which will most likely sabotage our efforts.

I know in my own life; one of the voices that I consistently listened to, was that nagging whisper planted in my head by a teacher in high school that I was a horrible English student and that I might not make it out of high school. FYI, I got through High School and completed 2 Masters. Now in all fairness, she planted the seed, but I did a phenomenal job of watering and fertilizing it. That is until I made a choice to turn the volume down and begin to write. Just so you know, at age sixty-seven and still learning and growing.

News Flash!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, bludgeoning yourself with self-criticism compromises your goals, impairs your pursuits and steals your dreams, whether they are mental, physical, spiritual, academic, health-related, or professional.

In my work as a therapist and as a Crisis Response Specialist I have learned that self-care, self-compassion is a must if I want to provide adequate care to others. Likewise, self-care, self-compassion is not an option if I desire to impact this world.

I love this story in the New Testament book of Matthew 22: 35–38, One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question; ‘Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the Law of Moses? “Jesus replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Let me be clear, we are not talking about some narcissistic type of self-love, but of, to use a biblical metaphor, “temple maintenance.” We cannot export what we do not have.

So, what does healthy self-care or self-compassion look like?

It brings forth resilience, and it enables you to be more flexible and agile as you face life’s challenges, it provides you the capacity to identify problems, accept feedback, both good and bad, and to modify habits that no longer serve your best interests. This type of shift in your thinking opens the doors to enhanced resilience, hope, increased strength, optimism, and opportunities.

Self-Care Explained

Do you remember the safety briefing from your last flight? When the flight attendants get to the part about the unlikely event of sudden cabin depressurization, they explain that the oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling and at that point, they instruct you to put on your mask first, then and only then, help someone else with theirs.

Self-care is sort of like this in a way. It is a very intentional, active choice that we make to take care of our mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It’s putting us first…because we can’t care for or be the best help to help others unless we first take care of ourselves.

The benefits of self-care

Self-care can have the following positive effects:
– Improved self-esteem and self-compassion
– Increased insight in decision making and motivation
– Boosted immune system
– Enhanced stress management by reducing anxiety
– Improved productivity fostered by a greater ability to focus
– Deepened spirituality and sense of meaning
– Heightened connection to yourself and others
– Increased resilience
– Greater ability to set boundaries (internal and external)
– Boosted immune system
– Enhanced stress management by reducing anxiety
– Improved productivity fostered by a greater ability to focus
– Deepened spirituality and sense of meaning
– Heightened connection to yourself and others
– Greater ability to set boundaries (internal and external)

Here are seven ways to practice self-care

1. Get your horizontal and vertical relationships in order. The quote from Jesus pretty much sums it up. Love God and out of that love of God will come the love of self, then love of others.

2. Remember, we have to all constantly fight the inner poser. We all feel like fakes and frauds from time to time. When you find yourself beating yourself up, calling yourself names, rehearsing old hurts, telling yourself you are a loser or suffering from the paralysis of analysis, STOP. Everybody struggles with this from time to time, and it is all part of being human. They are just thoughts. You always have a choice to give them a place in your brain and heart or to dismiss them.

3. Be a buddy to yourself. Would you offer yourself support and encouragement on a bad day? Would you cheer for yourself on a good one?

4. Use your meals as an act of self-care. When you eat, pause to notice that you are taking time to nourish yourself. Rather than seeing how fast you can consume your meal, a nasty habit that I picked up in the military, chew your food slowly, savor the flavor as you add fuel for your body.

5. Get the rest your body needs, 7–8 hours is a great goal and has been proven time and time again to renew and refresh.

6. Have a time of stillness and quietness in the morning. It could be a time of prayer and meditation. You could read from a daily devotional or have some type of daily reading plan. One that I have used is to read one chapter of the Old Testament book of Proverbs a day.

7. Ask for some help. No, I do not mean therapy, although a good therapist could help. Here is a thought, experiment with giving someone else a chance to help you. It might be a friend, colleague, or mentor who can come alongside you to help out, be an accountability partner or just an encourager.

Action Plan

Choose 2 of the 7 suggestions to begin showing yourself some Self-Care.

Let me hear your thoughts.
Blessings,
John

7 Secrets to Building Resilience in Your Life and Business.

By John Community, Freedom, Gratitude, Grit, Leadership, Resilience, Social Support

“Resilience is like a muscle. Flex it enough, and it will take less effort to get over emotional punches each time.”
Alecia Moore

Resilience, a buzzword that has become very popular in the past fifteen years. Today, I am going to reveal the 7 secrets to building resilience in your life, relationships, and business. While the term is a very old concept, Dr. Marty Seligman, known as the father of Positive Psychology, has spent his life researching and training others about the importance of developing resilience.

So, what is resilience? I will give you a couple of definitions:

Resilience is the ability to resist the manifestations of clinical distress, impairment, or dysfunction that are often associated with critical incidents, acts of terror, mass disasters, and personal trauma.^[i]

One of the unique things about the 7 secrets to building resilience is you can develop and enhance it at any stage in life.

Another way of explaining resilience is when you are able to calm a frenzied mind after some type of negative experience. It is that internal drive, an inner force by which we can hold ourselves through all the downsides of life.

Emotional resilience is not about overcoming a particular challenge or winning a battle. It is the strength to power through the storm and still keeps sailing. For those of you who are familiar with the Bible, the resilience piece combined with faith is a reliable and consistent theme in the Scriptures.

One of the adventures of my life was attending the North Carolina Outward Bound School in 1968, I was 16 at the time. The motto of Outward Bound, which is still very much a part of my being is “To Serve, To Strive, and Not To Yield.”

The founder of the Outward Bound School put it this way;

“There is more in us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less.”
Kurt Hahn, Outward Bound Founder

We are living in an age of incredible, rapid change. Being alive in the era of a technological revolution means that we are having to adapt to things that have never existed in our lives before. From rigorous, rapid digitalization to the 24/7 news cycle, social media influence, the “Amazonification” of business, and the changes that commercial enterprises, it is only natural to feel emotionally in knots at times.

The word resilienceis an ancient word rooted in the Latin word ‘resilio’ which means ‘to bounce back’ or retaliate.

Emotional resilience is an art of living that is entwined with self-belief, self-compassion, and enhanced cognition. It is the way through which we empower ourselves to perceive adversities as ‘temporary’ and keep moving forward through the pain, suffering, and setbacks of life. As we actively look for ways to use the 7 secrets to build resilience, we will enrich both our lives and the lives of others

On a grand scale, building resilience in the areas emotional, mental, and even spiritual resilience means bouncing back from a stressful encounter and not letting it affect our internal motivation. It is not a “bend but don’t break” trait; instead, resilience is accepting the fact that I am broken and continue to grow with the broken pieces together. The Apostle Paul, in the New Testament book of Philippians 4:14 says, I press on to reach the end of the race.

Here are a couple of women who have a very unique look at what it means to be resilient. One is known to nearly everyone and that is Amy Poehler.

Amy Poehler, Comedian

“I see life as like being attacked by a bear. You can run, you can pretend to be dead, or you can make yourself bigger. So, if you’re my stature, you stand on a chair and bang a pan and scream and shout as if you’re going to attack the bear. This is my go-to strategy.” —The Guardian, July 2015

Another woman that exemplifies a resilient faith is my friend Gayla Unger. We have known Keith and Gayla for a number of years and watched her face some significant challenges with breast cancer. I am blessed to know a woman which such tenacity, grit, faith and optimism. She is a woman who has a stellar, powerful perspective as a person who, in her own words has been chosen, challenged and changed.

Gayla Unger, Senior Leader, Premier Designs Jewelry

“I am a woman of deep faith in God’s perfect plan for my life. Proverbs 16:9 is my life verse. This scripture reminds me that I can make all the plans I want but ultimately the Lord will direct my feet. I knew at that moment, that although I had not “planned to have cancer” that the Lord would direct my feet. I knew within 24 hours that I was chosen and He was not going to allow me to waste it. Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go…
Make a list of what you love to do and make sure you spend time doing those things. Be a moment maker every chance you get. Let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter and cling with all your might to that which does. Create a life you love. I am so grateful I was chosen, challenged, and changed through this diagnosis. I won’t waste it. Be sure to check out her entire post. Link to her website

I hope you are feeling encouraged with these very brief snapshots of resilience. As a matter of fact, I want you to pause for a second and think about others that model resilience.

Resilience is our ability to adapt and bounce back when things don’t go as we have planned. Resilient people refuse to wallow in or dwell on failures, they don’t allow letdowns and setbacks to steal their energy. Instead, they acknowledge the situation, learn from their mistakes, and then choose to move forward.

There are three components of resilience:

Challenge/Adversity– Resilient individuals see difficulty as a challenge, an opportunity as opposed to a disheartening, petrifying event. As a general rule of thumb, they look at failures and mistakes as lessons to be learned from and opportunities for growth. They refuse to let setbacks become a negative reflection on either their capabilities or their self-worth.
Dedication/Commitment– People who demonstrate resilience are committed to their lives, goals, and vision. They live their lives with intentionality and have a sense of mission which gives them the drive to face another day. This drive is not just about work; they are committed to their relationships, friendships, and faith or spiritual practices.
Internal Focus of Control – Resilient people spend their time and energy focusing on events and situations they feel they have control over. Because they apply effort where they believe it will have the most impact, they often feel a sense of empowerment and confidence. People who live with an external focus of control often allow challenge or adversity to control them, as a result, they feel lost, helpless, impotent and powerless to take any meaningful action.

Dr. Marty Seligman frames resilience this way. As he talks about resilience, he frames it in the context of optimism and pessimism. He says our ‘explanatory style’ indicates how we will respond to challenges and adversity.

Pervasiveness– Resilient individuals refuse to let setbacks, challenges, and adversity impact other unrelated areas of their lives. They might say something like, “I am not very good at this” rather than “I’m no good at anything!”

Personalization– People who are resilient don’t blame themselves when negative events happen. Instead, they see other people or circumstances as a possible cause. Once again, in the workplace, they may say, “I didn’t get the support I needed to finish the project successfully, rather than “I screwed up that project because I cannot do my job right.”

They have a positive image of the future. They maintain a positive outlook and envision brighter days ahead.

Here are some other common traits about resilient people:

They have solid goals and a desire to achieve them.

Resilient people tend to be empathetic and compassionate. However, they don’t burn up any calories worrying about what others think of them. As a general rule of thumb, they have healthy relationships but are slow to bow to peer pressure.

Individuals who are resilient never think of themselves as victims-they focus their time and energy on changing things they have control over.

So, what types of challenges, setbacks, or adversity are you facing today?

You see, how you and I view adversity and stress will dynamically and kinetically impact how we succeed, and this is one reason that developing a resilient mindset is so important.

The truth is that you and I are going to have “face plant” moments and setbacks as we live our lives. The only way to avoid this is to live an isolated, sheltered and meager life, never trying anything new of taking any risks. Who wants to live like that?

Instead, we should have the courage to pursue our dreams, despite the genuine risk that we will fail in some way or another. Being resilient means that when we do fail, which we will, we will bounce back. Being resilient mean that when we fall down, we get back up, we have the strength to learn the lessons that we need to learn, and we can move on to bigger things.

Here are the 7 secrets for building or developing and strengthening your personal resilience:

View every experience as a growth opportunity. This directly relates to maintaining a “Growth Mindset.” Be sure you take a couple of minutes to view this video, it will not disappoint.
Find meaning and purpose in your work, maybe even seeing it as a vocation. Martin Luther (1483-1546) asserted that the term ‘vocation could be applied not only to those who are ‘called’ into the ministry, priesthood, or holy order. Instead, Luther preached that all Christians have a vocation: wherever God has allowed the opportunity to work or start an enterprise, was one’s vocation. In other words, work is sacred.
Learn to reframe stress and anxiety as helpful feelings and emotions. When we are stressed and feel the tension in our chest, we need to remind ourselves that our body is getting ready for action. These feelings and emotions can be helpful in that they are designed to help us perform better. Recently, my wife and I attended a Jeff Foxworthy show, and in the early part of his show me made the following statement. “You know, I still get a little nervous before every performance, I have learned that as long as I am a little jittery, I will do a great job.
Play and relax more. Research time and time again reveals that people are most creative and solution-oriented when they feel relaxed, curious, and happy.
Recalibrate your thinking to a long view. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Remember our lives have a start date and a end date what will you do with the dash between those two dates?
Remember, resilience is a life skill that is best developed in the context of relationships and social support. These intentional connections are mutually beneficial and life enriching. There is an ancient text that says, “As Iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17
Practice Self-Compassion. Self-care explained – Do you remember the safety briefing from your last flight? When the flight attendants get to the part about the unlikely event of sudden cabin depressurization, they explain that the oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling and at that point, they instruct you to put on your mask first, then and only then, help someone else with theirs. Self-care is sort of like this in a way. It is a very intentional, active choice that we do to take care of our mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It’s putting ourselves first…because we can’t care for or be the best help to help others unless we first take care of ourselves.

Wow, that was a lot of material!

Let me ask you a personal question. How would you rate your personal resilience? If you are married, how resilient is it? Here is an article I wrote for Christianity Today on Resilience in Marriage. Here is another link about resilient marriages.

Do you feel pretty good about how you manage the ups and downs of life? If you’d like more information, here are some links that you might find helpful.

Be Blessed!

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Meaningful Intimacy, Want More?

By John Marriage & Relationships, Relationship Tips, Resilience, Resilient Marriages, Uncategorized

Have you ever blown it the arena of intimacy in your marriage? I have. There have been times when I have been a knuckle-dragging, selfish, and ignorant Neanderthal. I am thankful for my wife, who has extended grace as we have spent most of our 46 years together in a learning mode. In this post, I am going to show you how to have more meaningful intimacy in your relationships.

If you are feeling brave, I encourage you to take some time and read this post. It is a compilation of things that I have learned over forty-six years of marriage and over fifty thousand hours of counseling experience. I can guarantee you that you can enhance your relationship with more meaningful intimacy.

One of the foundational principles of building and maintaining a healthy, resilient, relationship is to recognize the foundations of meaningful intimacy and communication. It is not about technique, positions, or power, but about getting to know someone genuinely.

Dwight Bain, a long-time friend, therapist, and life coach shared some great thoughts in a recent presentation which I would like to pass along. It sets a good starting point for this article. Dwight was addressing married couples, but the points he makes are crucial to developing any romantic relationship.

There are so many failed marriage stories in the headlines it can make you wonder, “Is an intimate relationship even possible anymore?” and if so, “How do you get one?” It seems that some couples quickly move from being fired up with a romanticpassion to wanting just to fire each other as a bully boss does to an exhausted employee.

It’s no wonder people are more cautious about opening up their hearts to another person. It might be because they have likely witnessed the process of intense romantic chemistry quickly eroding into hateful rejection and ugly conflicts.

Everybody talks about genuinely wanting a meaningful relationship where they are loved and accepted, yet few are willing to take the chance of being vulnerable or hurt again.

Genuine, meaningful intimacy is about seeing into the heart and mind of your mate. It’s learning to connect with them in multiple ways like feeling close, accepted, and loved on the inside no matter what kind of pressure might be happening on the outside.

To experience this kind of intense relationship, you need understanding regarding both sides of an intimate connection to grow to a new level of purpose and passion together. These different levels of connection reflect the differences between a cultural view of relationships where romance is the primary goal; and a long-term view of marriage where learning to connect together through the realities of daily life is joined alongside love to build intensity, regardless of the circumstances. You need both sides to make your relationship go the distance from short-term infatuation to create long-term success in your marriage.

Building a meaningful relationship and/or being married is a team sport; you either win together or lose together.

One of the keys to building meaningful intimacy is communication. Two-way communication that is based on respect, honor, and grace is essential for two people sharing a life together.

Two marriage researchers whom I have known over the years, Drs. David Olson and Peter Larson have discovered 10 things you and I can do to be better at communication and increase your menaingful intimacy.

1. Give full attention to your partner when talking. My wife gets very annoyed when I think I am listening, but I am distracted. My suggestion, turn off the phone, IPad, computer, or television and turn towards your partner.

2. Focus on the good qualities and be intentional about catching them doing good. People tend to rise or fall on our expectations when you are intentional about finding the good in someone they rarely disappoint.

3. Be assertive, not aggressive or passive. Share your thoughts, feeling, and needs. One way to do this is to the old therapist stand by, using “I” statements versus “you” statements. (e.g., “I worry when you don’t let me know you’ll be late” rather than “You are always late.”)

4. Avoid criticism. It is a relationship killer. I think William Arthur Ward hit the nail on the head when he said, “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you.” You can never share too much encouragement. If you must criticize, sandwich it with a least two positive comments. (e.g., “I appreciate it when you help out by cooking, the food is excellent. It would mean a lot to me if you could straighten up a little after you are done. Thanks again for dinner.) This is known as the sandwich method.

5. Listen to understand, not to judge. Two eyes, two ears, one mouth. Listening is all about trying to understand.

6. Use active listening. Summarize your partner’s comments before sharing your own reactions of feelings.

7. Avoid blaming each other at all costs. Instead, work together for a solution. There is energy when we accept responsibility and decide to work towards a mutually beneficial solution.

8. Manage your conflict. (I will give you ten steps for resolving conflict in my next post.

9. Seek counseling. If you are not able to have better results with your communication as a couple. Then take action. Enroll in marriage/relationship class, read a book together, see your pastor, priest, or get counseling if you need to.

10. Hit the pause button, slow down, catch your breath. Sometimes a dinner date, a night away from the house, a weekend escape can go a long way in lowering the stressors in a marriage.

One of the best ways to increase the frequency of physical intimacy is through solid communication. When men and women feel heard they usually are open to more intimacy.

What is intimacy? One definition of intimacy is it is an act of familiar expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, and love

I believe as a culture we have lost some of the essential components of intimacy by limiting it to just a physical response.

There has been some breakthrough research that shows which there are at least five different areas of meaningul intimacy! Take a moment and grade yourself in each area, then ask your partner to do the same.

The first is Intellectual Intimacy. On this level, couples are able to talk about current events, share ideas, laughs, and thoughts, even debate political and religious topics. They are able to participate in the exchange of thoughts and ideas jointly.

The second area of intimacy is Recreational Intimacy. This means there are some recreational activities that a couple enjoy together. It does not mean they do everything together.

The third area of intimacy is Social Intimacy. After decades of marriage, my wife and I realized that it is entirely okay for her to have her friends and me to have my friends as long as we share some “we” friends. Couple friendships can be an added bonus to a relationship by being a sounding board, providing feedback, and accountability.

The fourth intimacy area is Spiritual intimacy. While this area of intimacy is the most subjective, due to the various religious backgrounds & practices a couple may have, it is still an essential component. In my opinion, one of the most important because a growing relationship is at its core spiritual in nature. Spiritual intimacy is also a crucial factor when and if children become a part of the family.

The fifth and final level of intimacy is physical intimacy. Sexual expression is part of our hard wiring and can be both exhilarating and refreshing for a couple, in the right context. In recent years the primary focus has been primarily on physical intimacy. We have reduced physical intimacy into a series of positions and practices based more on applied physics than on building relationships.

Could it be that one of the reasons we see so many relationships falling apart is that we have failed to understand that intimacy works on several levels? If a relationship is based primarily on sexual expression, it is doomed to fail in the long run. However, if a couple can grow in their understanding of these different levels of meaningful intimacy, their relationship will experience growth in all areas. As you grow in these other areas, then sexual expression within your relationship will become more intense and meaningful. This is because it is based on getting to know your partner and being recognized by them.

So how can you have more meaningful intimacy in your life? Be mindful of the ten communication tips and the five levels of intimacy and how interconnected they are.

I’d love hearing your thoughts.

5 Valentine Shopping Tips for Men

By John Marriage, Marriage & Relationships, Relationship Tips, Resilient Marriages, Valentine's Day

Keeping things lite, fun, and romantic can strengthen your relationship.
February is here, and we all know Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.
John Thurman

Men, please get your shopping done before Feb. 14. If you wait too late, the roses will be wilted, and the selection of cards and chocolates will be pretty much picked over. It seems simple enough, but how many times have we men suffered from procrastination a condition related to waiting until the last minute to shop for your wife or girlfriend. Good news: There is a cure – buy early!

I got a chuckle out of this story.

Nuts About Love

“Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. ‘Why the new sign?’ I asked. ‘My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,’ she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: Local Honey Dates Nuts.”
Contributed by Theodore Bologna

Here are five guy tips that will help you in your Valentine gift selection:

1. If you buy chocolate, make sure you don’t get it at the grocery store or the pharmacy. Buying high-quality chocolate shows her how special she really is. You need to know if she likes milk chocolate, dark chocolate, soft centers, assorted nuts or just plain chocolate.

2. I spent part of my young life helping my mom out at her florist shop. It was always interesting to see stressed-out men coming into the shop on the 13th or 14th of February hoping Mom could work a miracle. She usually did.

Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to pick up flowers at a florist shop or grocery store. If you want to earn extra points, spend a few extra dollars and have them delivered to her work site or home. Women have this fantastic quality: While the other women at her workplace will ooh and ah over the flowers you sent your spouse, they will walk away with envy, wishing their man had done the same.

3. When looking for a card, try to avoid the “ I know I don’t say it enough, but I really do love your card.” I promise she will not be impressed. Instead, you might ask one of the women at the store to help you pick the right card. Make your card purchase based on words she would like to hear. For an additional bonus, write a short hand-written note of love and appreciation.

4. Help your kids select a card or gift for their mom.

5. You do have permission to get your wife some cute, flattering pajamas. Just don’t buy anything too revealing, flashy or trashy. If you decide to get something on the naughtier side, just make sure she has pre-approved it. Remember the gift is for her.

In closing: Being thoughtful on Feb. 14 does not let you off the hook for the rest of the year. Your wife and or girlfriend desires to feel valued, cherished and secure 365 days a year.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

10 Ways to Have a Happy Wife

By John Marriage, Marriage & Relationships, Resilient Marriages

Want to have a happier wife? One of the keys to having a resilient, long-lasting marriage is to do what you can to make sure your wife feels good about your the relationship.

As a man, I had no idea how ignorant I was when I first got married! Mom and dad were great examples, but about three weeks after Angie and I were married I felt like a complete idiot. While we have experienced all the seasons of life together, some with grace and others as a “hot mess” we have never quit. We have been in and out of counseling, read scores of books and attended more than a few seminars and retreats. And while both sets of our parents faced both great and tragic times, they hung in there.

I believe that as you read this article, you will be able to discover some nuggets of truth that will help you develop a more resilient marriage.

Here is a secret about most wedding days.

When the day arrives, there you are standing in front of a crowd of family, friends, and a minister. Then that magic moment occurs, your bride, the lover of your life appears at the back of the church or venue. At that moment you are filled with a sense of awe and wonder as your bride approaches the altar, and before you know it, the ceremony is in full swing. You exchange vows, you kiss, you greet your guests at the reception and off on a new journey we go.

Well, that is true for the most part. While he will have a blast at the reception, he is looking forward to the festivities ending and getting naked.

I know, right now some of you are going “Eew!” But alas, it is true.

Women, on the other hand, see things in a completely different way. When she faces you on your wedding day, she sees the man of her dreams, her hero, the man she has given her heart to. Now, here is the difference. When she sees him standing there looking so sharp and handsome, somewhere deep in the recesses of her mind she is thinking, he is my man, my mate, but I’ve got my work cut out for me as I shape him into my image of what I think he should be.

Well not that I probably have offended you, let’s jump into how to have a happy wife.

6 Basic Needs of a Wife

Once again, I’d like to start with a section from Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s book For Men Only.

Our Surface Understanding What it really means.

Women need love.

Even if your relationship is great, she likely has fundamental insecurity about your love, and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured.

Women are emotional.

Women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their past and present all the time, at the same time – and these can’t be easily dismissed.

Women want security-in other words, financial security.

Your woman needs emotional security and closeness with you so much that she will endure financial insecurity to receive it.

She doesn’t want you to fix it; she just wants you to listen.

When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and her desire to be heard are much more important than the issue itself.

She doesn’t want much sex; she must not want me.

Physically, women tend to crave sex less often than men do – and it is usually not related to your desirability.

She wants to look attractive.

Inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who profoundly needs to know that you find her beautiful and that you only have eyes for her.

I am so thankful for the work that the Feldhahn’s and others have done in helping men and women better understand each other.

I am also thankful for the loving patience that my wife Angie has extended to me in our journey. By the way, it is a journey that you do not complete until the end of your life.

So, with that in mind, what are ten ways that you can have a happy wife.

10 Things You Can Do to Enhance Your Wife’s Happiness

1 . Be as Attentive, Fun loving, and Adoring as You Were During Courtship or Close to It.

I know you can have rough days. I spend my days with people who are in various states of crisis. I know it can be tough to be upbeat some days but do what you can. Studies of optimistic people show that they are less affected by adverse events and bring about brighter responses in other people.

2. Be More Affectionate

Before we talk about how to express affection to your wife, I want to review the job description of being a good husband.

Love, honor, and respect her.
Be sexually and emotionally faithful to her.
Listen without being judegemental

To your wife, affection means more than cuddling or holding her hands or having sex. She desires a sense of closeness from you because knowing you are close to her is paramount for her being able to stay in a relationship with you.

For those of you that might need this simplified; if your wife does not feel connected to you, she will leave you at some level.

3. Support and Nurture Her Ambitions in and Outside the Home.

Roles are changing, and that is not a bad thing. More men than women work outside the home, but due to the economy, more and more women are either entering or re-entering the workplace or are starting home-based businesses. As your children grow and opportunities open up for your wife to pursue her pen dreams, will you be there to support her?

4. To Make an Effort to Understand How She is Different Emotionally.

Guys, our job is not to change her to be more like a man, but to acknowledge and respect your differences.

5. To Be Honest at All Times and Always Do What You Say You, Will, Do.

To be clear. When I talk about honesty, I mean there is no room for lies about infidelity, addiction problems, or other vital matters that reflect on who you are (such as belief systems or underlying medical issues). You need to be accountable for what’s important the core issues, the crucial stuff, your promises.

6. To Share in Child Care and Domestic Work.

If you want to mess this up just come home from the office and tell her, you have already worked enough. Instead, catch your breath and help out a little, without any drama. Trust me, this will get you some points.

No matter where you have been in your marriage, you can show up for work today. You can begin, right now to protect your career as a husband by treating this day as if it were your first day on a new job called marriage.

7. Help her feel special.

Show your wife the same traits that make you valuable as an employee: focus, discipline, reliability, devotion, loyalty, stability, intelligence, and flexibility.

Be determined to get better at this job of being a husband.

8. Maintain your appearance! This may sound a bit juvenile, but guys, watch your hygiene, shower regularly, remember your favorite “hang around the house” clothes do need washing. Every now and then Angie reminds me that my closet space is beginning to smell like a locker. Just remember, this does not take much effort.

9. Plan some “us time” getaways. This does not mean inviting her to your elk hunt or boy’s weekend. It could be a weekend at a Bed and Breakfast, or maybe a day trip to a nice place. You could see where the cheapest “Southwest Airline Getaway” airfares are and go there. Being able to just get away from the day to day grind, and even the kids can go a long way in refusing both you and your wife.

10. Learn ways to maintain romance and specialness in your relationship. Spontaneous flowers and quality chocolates never hurt, post-it notes, and cards have never hurt. Do what you can to make her feel special.

You might want to check out my post – How to Have a Happy Husband

Action Plan

To use a baseball metaphor; No Major League hitter bats 1000, but if they are hitting 325, they are being well compensated. to be clear, we are not talking perfection, but intentional progess.

Forget Hollywood and Hallmark Channel stereotypes and don’t try to be a hero in some romance novel. Instead, apply some of your natural strengths to your job as a married man and see immediate improvement.

Focus on the benefits of marriage, not the day to day frustrations
Show your wife the same traits that make you valuable as an employee: focus, discipline, reliability, devotion, loyalty, stability, intelligence, and flexibility.
Be determined to get better at this job of being a husband.
Learn from your mistakes and don’t get your eyes stuck in the rearview mirror of regrets.
Commit yourself to the mission and responsibilities of your marital job description and reassess your progress as you go along.
For those of you who are Christ followers, “Love your wife as Christ loves the Church.”

Thanks to Scott Haltzman, M.D., and his excellent ideas from The Secrets of Happily Married Men. This article is adapted from that resource. Another couple of resources I like is For Men Only and For Women Only by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn

10 Tips for Having a Happy Husband

By John Marital Intimacy, Marriage, Marriage & Relationships, Men's Needs

This is the first part of a four-part series to help you have a meaningful Valentine’s Day. In a couple of days I will publish How to Have a Happy Wife.

With all the static about the Gillette commercial and the APA’s discussion about toxic masculinity, I thought this would be a great time to do a few posts about marriage. Since Valentine’s Day is around the corner, I thought it would be fun. After all, I have been married to the same woman for 46 years. In those forty-six years, we have had our ups and downs, great times and times that were pretty bad. We have had beautiful seasons of growth as well as seasons when things were pretty sucky and we could hardly wait until Springtime. Two key ingredients to building a resilient relationship are extending grace to one another and having an appreciation for the differences between men and women.

What Men Need

Ever wondered if there were any way to tell if your husband is a happily married man?

While every relationship goes through its seasons, here are some proven indicators that your man is happy in your relationship.
Shaunti Feldhahn, a bestselling author and nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author of For Women Only, shares some critical insight into men. Her book and its recent revision surveyed thousands of men across multiple socio-economic levels and cultural backgrounds. Here are seven revelations her research revealed. This is taken directly from her book.

10 Signs of a Happy Husband

Our Surface Understanding What That Means in Practice

Men need respect. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected
Men are insecure. Despite their “in control” exterior men often feel like imposters and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.
Men want more sex. Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
Men avoid issues by “checking out.” Men address issues by first pulling away to process and think-so they can better talk about them later.
Men are visual. Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.
Men are “unromantic clods.” Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic-but hesitate because they doubt they will succeed.
Men care about appearance. You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making efforts to take care of yourself, and he will take on significant costs or inconvenience to support you.

Remember, these insights are from a well-respected author and columnist. She and her husband have also written a companion book For Men Only.

Here are some proven ways to help your man experience a more meaningful life and relationship.

He knows that he can be himself without being judged or criticized. You see, there is nothing that can kill a relationship faster than criticism. Just to be sure, this goes both ways. Guys, being critical towards your wife is a guaranteed way to shut her down.
He smiles a lot. He feels that you notice him and appreciate all that he does for you and that you do not take him for granted.
He realizes that you love and accept him for who he is, but he also knows that you will not put up with any bad behavior. He knows that your love is the “real deal” and respects it because he sees that it is not based on submissive compliance, but a loving choice.
He likes that you care about looking attractive in your own personal way. He doesn’t expect you to look like someone you aren’t, but seeing that you care about your appearance makes him feel you value yourself and your relationship with him.
He understands that you desire him and express it through physical intimacy. Every man wants a wife who loves physical intimacy. What do most wives want? A man who provides the intimacy that her soul longs for. You see men only need a place, but a woman needs a reason.
He is around the house more, partially because he feels respected and admired by you. There is no love outside of respect. Feeling the admiration and respect of the one you love boosts self-esteem, increases intimacy, and promotes communication and passion.
He speaks highly of you primarily because he rarely or never feels belittled, berated, or humiliated by you.
He sees that you do not hold on to grudges, keep score or consistently feel victimized by life. The helps your relationship develop flexibility and adaptability, and keeps the possibility of a rewarding future intact.
He is faithful to the vows he made with you.
He seeks you for comfort and consolation. When your husband makes a choice to share his problems with you, it is an excellent indicator that he is happy with you even when he is feeling dejected and vulnerable.
Take a moment to reflect on your feelings about these 10 indicators.

Are you happy with where you are? If so, outstanding! If you feel you need a little work, then pick one or two and try them out as a pilot project with your honey.

Need a great laugh? Check Mark Gungor’s In Two Minds Video

Funerals Are Important!

By John Faith, Grief, integrity

Funerals are mandatory, weddings are optional.
Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Leadership, 2005

Jerry Evans, a man who was admired by so many for his love of life, his expertise in business and ministry, his passion for encouraging those in ministry and for sharing the Gospel, died a few days ago.

During some dark days in my ministry life, Jerry was a quiet source of encouragement. I was going through a time of challenging my call to ministry, which in my mind was if you were called to ministry, then you should be on a church staff. (by the way, this is a lie) Jerry, through his dry humor and his gentle, brotherly encouragement reminded me that a “calling” does not necessarily mean a professional paid church staff position. Jerry himself was a successful builder and smart business person.

As a result, I was able to recalibrate my thinking and realize that in my case, my ministry, for the most part, is self-funded.

Jerry also helped me in many other ways, during that tough season. I was fortunate to know Jerry, he was an encourager in my time of need, and for that, I am profoundly grateful.

After coming out of a dreary season, Jerry and I did stay connected.
I learned about his death through Facebook where Jerry regularly posted devotional thoughts. A pretty significant accomplishment for a gentleman who was 77.

When I learned of his passing, I mentioned to my wife that we’d be going to his celebration of life service. We both reminded each other of what a good and godly man he was, and we remembered his beautiful wife Becky in our thoughts and prayers.

In 2005, Mayor Rudy Giuliani penned the bestselling book, Leadership, and while the book gave some excellent insights to his leadership style, there was one poignant portion of the book that struck me in a profound way when I read it. Giuliani, reflecting on all of the funerals that he had attended as a result of the 911 attacks stated, “Funerals are mandatory weddings are optional.”

Giuliani, a Roman Catholic, grew up hearing the Scriptures and no doubt this, now famous phrase came from a recollection of Ecclesiastes Chapter 7 verses 2-4. NLT

Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties.

After all, everyone dies—

so the living should take this to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter,

for sadness has a refining influence on us.

A wise person thinks a lot about death,

while a fool thinks only about having a good time.

Until my dad died in early 2016, we would talk early every Thursday afternoon. Most of the time he would update me on the latest gossip in Fort Valley, talk about politics and who moved, whose kids or grandkids that I might know had married or divorced or had babies. One day, while he was musing about growing older, he made the following statement, “You know John as you get older, you go to a lot more funerals than weddings. People you know, people that you have shared life with, done business with people eventually die as we all do, and it is important to attend their funeral as both a way to honor their memory and support their family.”

Well, I am at that point in my life where I have embraced that am an older man, in February I hit the big 67, and I am beginning to be more aware of the importance of being present at people’s Celebration of Life services.
The other day, both before and after the service Angie and I caught up with friends we’d known over the past thirty-two years since moving to our adopted home state of New Mexico. Another beautiful part of this gathering is the fact that we were able to catch up with a few of the young folks that grew up with our children in Albuquerque.

Jerry’s Celebration of Life service as a time to laugh, cry, reflect, and reconnect. It was a time to review a man who honored Christ is all that he did.

A service like this should always cause us to stop and pause and ask the question, “How am I doing as far as living my life’s values, what will my legacy be?

There is an old but true saying. Two things are for sure, death and taxes. And the Scripture says;

If we live, it’s to honor the Lord. And if we die, it’s to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Romans 14:8.

Jerry, thank you for living this verse and being a wonderful role model for so many of us.

And for you, May God bless you and give you helpful, hopeful insight as you continue your journey.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

7 Ways to Experience True Success, # 7 – Integrity

By John integrity, Resilience, True Success

When I started this series, I intentionally limited myself to seven traits of true success, you and I both know there are so many more.

This trait will either cause a leader to rise or to fall.

I’ve invested thousands of hours of my life as a people helper as a minister, therapist, and consultant and one of the themes that I have noted over the years is that people who live out this particular trait experience true success in life. Those who don’t, well let’s just say, don’t do as well.

A few years ago I had the pleasure of sharing a meal with one of my mentors and a godly man that I’ve had to pleasure to co-facilitate with, Dr. H. Norman Wright. Now 90, Norm is still actively engaged in teaching and sharing things that he has learned over the years. Even at this phase in his life he exudes the biblical model of true success.

Before our conversation, there had been a very public fall from grace of a prominent evangelical pastor who had to leave the ministry because of an affair.

I asked Norm, “What happened?” There was a sudden, somber shift in his tone. He said, “it was an integrity issue.” He went on to explain that for men and women who do lack integrity or compromise their integrity the test will show up through the abuse of money, sex, and power. I will come back to the story of this minister pater.

When Norm shared this, I know intuitively that he was spot on, absolutely correct.

What is Integrity?

Take a moment and enjoy this little video.

One definition is integrity the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles and being morally upright. True success, they type that endures is bathed in integrity.

Sounds honest yet lofty, doesn’t it?

Here is one of my favorite working definitions of integrity. Integrity is what you do when no one is looking.

If I could teach people one thing, it would be this: Success will come and go, but integrity is forever. It is doing the correct thing at all times and in every circumstance regardless of who is watching. You see it takes years to build integrity and only one poor choice to destroy it.

Over the years our culture has moved away from the strong Christian cultural influence into a more morally relativist world view. We have moved into a time when integrity is not talked about nearly enough. The predominant view, unfortunately, is “the end justifies the means,” has become the norm of so many people. Salespeople make great promises but many times under deliver, people inflate their resume’s, and CEO’s inflate their reports.

Amy Reese Anderson in her article “Success Will Come and Go, But Integrity Is Forever, “shares these poignant insights.

“I think Warren Buffet said it best, “In looking for people to hire, look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don’t have the first one, the other two will kill you.” If a person is dishonest, it will eventually catch up with them. It may not be today, and it may not be for many years, but it will catch up.

Here is a word of advice for you, if you are wanting to maintain and expand your personal integrity. Avoid those who are not trustworthy. Do not do business with them. Do not associate with them. Do not make excuses for them. Do not allow yourself to get enticed into believing that “while they may be dishonest with others, they would never be dishonest with me.” If someone is dishonest in any aspect of his life, you can be guaranteed that he will be dishonest in many aspects of his life. You cannot dismiss even those little acts of dishonesty, such as the person who takes two newspapers from the stand when they paid for only one. After all, if a person cannot be trusted in the most straightforward matters of honesty then how can they possibly be trusted to uphold lengthy and complex business contracts?”^[i]

If you do what is right, the consequences will follow.

Now back to the pastor I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Gordon McDonald is the pastor. He is a pastor who did the right thing.

Once his integrity breach was known, he fully disclosed his sin and immediately stepped down from his pulpit and entered a season of recovery. He received counseling, spiritual direction and had a group of other men to challenge him, nurture him, and make sure that he, his wife and family were moving through a highly accountable, restoration process. Through this process along with a very public recalibration of his life, Gordon McDonald was reinstated to ministry and is currently serving as the Chancellor of Denver Seminar. In addition to his work at Denver Seminary, he was the Editor for Christianity Today’s Leadership Magazine. Macdonald is also a successful author with over 12 published works.

One of his most profound, Ordering Your Private World, came about as a result of his recovery. In this classic work he gives powerful, poignant principles for maintaining and re-establishing integrity.

How is your private world, that world that only you are aware of? believe when we are working on guarding our private world be are experiencing real success.

Allow me to challenge you to take a look at this list, which comes off the pages of Ordering Your Private World, and do a little self-evaluation.

If my private world is in order, it will be because I am convinced that the inner realm of the spiritual must govern the outer world of activity.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I make a daily choice to monitor its state of orderliness.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have courageously confronted the messiness of my ways of living and chosen to bring them under rigorous discipline.
If my private world is in order, it will be because, having faced up to what drives me, I listen quietly for the call of Christ.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I respond to Christʼs call to be a servant and form my life-purposes, my community-roles and personal identity around His fondest wishes for me.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have made daily determination to see time as Godʼs gift and worthy of careful investment.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have begun to seal the time leaks and allocate my productive hours in light of my capabilities, my limits and my priorities.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have determined that every day will be for me a day of growth in knowledge and wisdom.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I seek to use all I learn in service to others, as Christ did.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I regularly choose to enlarge the spiritual center of my life.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I am unafraid to be alone and quiet before Christ.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I absorb the words of Christ into my attitudes and actions.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have begun to pursue the discipline of seeing events and people through the eyes of Christ so that my prayers reflect my desire to be in alignment with His purposes and promises for them.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have chosen to press Sabbath peace into the rush and routine of my daily life to find the rest God prescribed for Himself and all of humanity.
If my private world is in order, it will be because I have made a deliberate decision to begin the ordering process.

A couple of Scriptures to consider:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.Proverbs 3:3-6 NLT

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.James 3:17 NLT

Action Plan

What are three things you can begin doing to strengthen your own personal integrity today? What are the things you are doing to enhance your own true success?

What is one integrity area that you struggle with?

What do you do on a day to day basis to maintain your personal integrity?

I’d love to hear from you.

^[i]https://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2012/11/28/success-will-come-and-go-but-integrity-is-forever/#1128b055470f

7 Ways to Experience True Success, #6 – Practice Optimism

By John Resilience, Self-improvement, The No Fear Entrepreneur.

I have a question for you. Do you tend to see the glass half-full or half-empty?

How you answer that question can reveal a lot about who you are and how you view life.

Thousands of years of human history has shown us that people who tend to experience real success have a more positive, optimistic view of life, themselves, and the world.

Now I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I hear the someone say that people need to be more positive, I can quickly go to an image of a flashy, loud, almost too good to be a true, slick, fast talker, whose primary motivation is to talk you into some deal. I guess I have been a little jaded over the years.

However, here is some excellent news. The type of cartoon character in no way represents a positive or optimistic person.

In this article, I will help you understand what it means to be an optimistic person. And one of the great things is that even if you don’t see yourself as an optimist, you can learn to become more optimistic.

Part of experiencing true success and understanding the power of optimism is to understand a little about resilience.

Resilience is the ability to cope with and overcome whatever life throws at you.

Need some motivation – check this out this video!

A resilient person works through challenges by using personal resources such as strength, faith, effective relationships as well as other resources such as hope, optimism, and self-efficacy (their belief in their ability to act). When a resilient person takes a hit, personally or professionally, they tend to not only bounce back to normal but are able to move forward.
Being resilient is also an essential component of optimism.
John Thurman

Being resilient is also an essential component of optimism.
Before we jump in, I think it is essential that we look at some basic definitions or optimism.

Sonya Lyubomirsky, UC Riverside shares the various types of optimism practically.

Big Optimism: The deep feeling that things are going well and that this is a great time to be alive.

Little Optimism: General optimism about day to day circumstances, being able to make it through the day, meet your obligations.

Very Small Optimism: The lowest form of optimism, but the comforting belief that you will make it through the day.

Full Disclosure: Although being positive/optimistic is talked about as if it is one thing. It is entirely possible to be optimistic in some regions of our lives but pessimistic in others. After all, last time I checked, we are all human.
Let’s take a look at the practical side of the idea of Optimism.

While feeling positive and optimistic can be a necessary but momentary state-like a burst of insight or a temporary feeling of joy, I’m referring to a more stable, enduring personality feature. This kind of optimism includes skills such as acceptance, resilience, flexibility and coping skills.

Dr. Caroline Dweck, author of The Growth Mindset, and Dr. Elaine Fox’s, Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain have written some keen insights into this type of optimism.

A closed-minded person sees problems, as setbacks rather than opportunities. An optimist, on the other hand, they to be more alert to opportunities, less risk-averse and tend to be “all in.”

Fox writes, “Dispositional optimism is not just about being happy and upbeat, however; it is more about having genuine hope for the future, a sincere belief that things will work out, a deep abiding faith that they can deal with whatever life throws at them. Optimists are not naive they don’t believe that nothing will ever go wrong, but they do have a deep-seated conviction that they can cope. Optimists have a natural tendency and faith to accept the world for what it is but have a deeply held belief that the way you deal with things determine who you are.

A considerable part of being an optimistic person is a proper understanding of being in control. The opposite of this is feeling like the future is hopeless can make a pessimist passive since everything they attempt seems to fail. In sharp contrast, an optimistic person believes that their actions matter and that they have active input into their outcomes.
Being an optimistic, hopeful person is more than feeling good and upbeat, it is truly about being intentionally engaged with a meaningful life, becoming a more resilient person, and feeling in control. This, in my opinion, is significantly enhanced when one is actively engaged in their faith.

Here is a great, short lesson from a former astronaut

Practiced Optimism and Resilience

So, what are some of the benefits of learning and being a more optimistic person? What are some realistic expectations if you make a choice to become more optimistic?

Increased happiness and a sense of well-being. Optimistic people tend to be happier, partially because they perceive positive events more vividly and expect good them to occur.
Increased positive emotions and strengthened relationships. Because optimistic people generally have a more upbeat mood, an increased sense of personal vitality, and a strong sense of self. They feel they have some control over their destiny. As a result, the positive energy radiates out because positive people tend to be easily liked by others.
Less negative emotions. “The defining characteristic of pessimists is that they tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do and that all of these negative things are their fault. The optimist on the other hand, when confronted with the same hard knocks of this world, think about misfortune oppositely. They tend to believe that defeat is just a temporary setback and that there will be a way to overcome or adapt positively. They think that they have what they need or know how to access help if it is required.
Improved health. Optimist, as a general rule of thumb, live longer and are less likely to die from accidents or violent acts because they tend to take active steps to protect themselves.
Improved performance. Optimistic, positive people tend to put more genuine effort towards their goals and dreams. In a nutshell, they tend to be more successful because they have commitment and tenacity.
Better coping skills which lead to increased resilience. As a general rule, optimists tend to cope better with adversity because they face it and on a deep level believe that they can rise to the challenge. One prominent person who comes to mind is Michael J. Fox who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 1991. He puts it this way, “Optimism and hope related to how we think and feel about the future. If we really believe that things will work out for the best, all setbacks become easier to deal with.
This can lead to a more vibrant faith that is able to find contentment and peace regardless of circumstances. The Apostle Paul said, “Not that I was ever in need, for I was never in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I have discovered the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty or little. For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

Would you like to take the free Learned Optimism Test designed by Dr. Marty Seligman, Just click here!

Popular Articles

Want to have a happier wife? One of the keys to having a resilient, long-lasting marriage is to do what you can to make sure your wife feels good about your the relationship.

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10 Things You Can Do to Enhance Your Wife’s Happiness

You might want to check out my post – How to Have a Happy Husband

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10 Signs of a Happy Husband

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Practiced Optimism and Resilience