Suicide, One Christian’s Response.

By John Christianity and Suicide, Jarrid Wilson, Resilience, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Prevention

Unfortunately, the rates of Suicide continue to go up. Equally unfortunate is the Church’s impotent response to this crisis.

Today, September 10, 2019, I discovered that a young pastor, Jarrid Wilson, took his life after a long struggle with depression.

While people around the world are responding to this news with shock and sadness. Many are sending love and prayers to both the family and the impacted churches.

Unfortunately, and this really gets me upset, are the number of people who are suggesting that suicide is a straight ticket to hell. Well, the answer to that is NO! in my opinion.

This article is long, but I want to encourage you to take some time to read and reflect.

God bless Jarrid’s family and church in the days ahead. He is in a state of completed healing today.

According to the National Institue of Health’s 2017 report, Suicide is a leading cause of death in the U.S.

Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death overall, claiming 47,000.
Suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death among 35-54-year-olds.
There were twice as many suicides (47,173) in the U.S. as there were homicides (19,510) according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Leading Cause of Death Report in 2017.

Tim Clinton is the President of the American Association of Christian Counseling, and one of my former professors authored a timely and sensitive article which, in my opinion, addresses suicide from a Christian behavioral perspective with compassion and clarity. This next portion is from an article he published a few years ago.

Some have described suicide as the permanent solution for a temporary problem. From my perspective as a Christian Mental Health Professional, suicide is not permanent and solves absolutely nothing. I believe that one of the unique things about being human is that we are not like other creatures because we are created in God’s image, and therefore, we are immortal beings with responsibility and accountability beyond our existence on this earth.

A Biblical Response to Suicide

A biblical understanding of God and life inspires hope while it diminished despair. Every human being will suffer whether a child of God or not. A believer’s knowledge and love for God gives hope that suffering is never without a purpose. So rather than curse and blame God for the troubles of life, we choose to live by faith in Him.

All too often in the church, believers are unresponsive to their brothers and sisters who struggle in their faith, and sometimes too busy to involve themselves in the lives of their neighbors. It is the responsibility of mature believers to be sensitive to the needs of those around them and to encourage and to support those who are struggling gently. In doing so, they assist others in carrying their burdens (Galatians 6:1-3) and so fulfill the Law of Christ which is to love God and one’s neighbor (Matthew 22:37-40). The church can be a safe place where people can talk about their problems, build trust, and learn from each other. Isolation, whether initiated by someone who is struggling or by those too busy too care, only heightens the possibility that thoughts about and attempts at suicide will occur.

When a person is struggling with despair, depression, a break-up, and indeed when someone admits to having thoughts of taking his or her own life, then professional help is needed. It is the responsibility of the caring friend, not to carry the burden alone, but to take action to make sure that the friend gets help quickly. (http://timclinton.com/articles/17/suicide/).

Myths & Misconceptions about Suicide

Myth 1: People who talk about suicide won’t do it.

Fact: Nearly everyone who attempts suicide has given some clue or warning. Don’t ignore even indirect references to death or suicide.

Myth 2: Anyone who tries to kill him/herself must be crazy.

Fact; Most suicidal people are neither psychotic or insane. They must be upset, grief-stricken, depressed, or despairing, but extreme distress and emotional pain are not necessarily signs of mental illness.

Myth 3: If a person is determined to kill him/herself, nothing is going to stop them.

Fact: Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, wavering until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to die. Most suicidal people do not want death; they want the pain to stop. The impulse to end it all, however overpowering, does not last forever.

Myth 4: People who die by suicide are people who are unwilling to seek help.

Fact: Studies of suicide victims have shown that more than half had sought medical help in the six months before their deaths.

Myth 5: Talking about suicide may give someone the idea.

Fact: You don’t give suicidal morbid ideas by talking about suicide. The opposite is true-bringing up the subject and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Warning Signs of Suicide

Talking about suicide – Any talk about dying, suicide, or self-harm, such as “I wish I’d never been born,” If I see you again…” and I’d be better off dead.
Seeking out lethal means – Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
Preoccupation with death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
No hope for the future – Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (There is no way out of this). The belief that things will never change or get better.
Self-loathing, self-hatred – Feelings of worthlessness, share, guilt, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“everyone would be better off without me”).
Getting affairs in order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
Saying goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
Withdrawing from others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increased social isolation.
Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.”
A sudden sense of calm – A sudden send of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has decided to attempt suicide.
Increased drug or alcohol use.
Posting thoughts on death, dying, or suicide on social media.
A notable increase in anxiety and agitation.
An inability to sleep or sleeping all the time.
Notable changes in mood.

Suicide Prevention Tips

Speak up if you are worried. If you spot the warning signs of suicide in someone you care about, you may wonder if it’s a good idea to say anything. What if you are wrong? What if the individual gets angry? In such situations, it’s completely natural to feel uncomfortable or afraid. But anyone who talks about suicide or shows other warning signs needs immediate help-the sooner the better.

When talking to a person who is suicidal

Do:

Be your self. Let them know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.

Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, vent anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.

Be sympathetic,non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your friend or family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.

Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.

Take the person seriously. If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts about killing your self?” You are not putting ideas in their head; you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it is okay for them to share their pain with you.

But don’t:

Argue with a person who is suicidal. Avoid saying things like: “you have so much to live for.” “Your suicide will hurt your family” or “Look on the bright side.”

Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, tell them if they suicide they will go to hell, or that suicide is wrong. This is not the place for this type of discussion.

Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy! A life is at stake, and you may need to speak to a medical or mental health professional to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussion secret, you may “Have to break your word.”

Offer ways to fix their problem, or give advice, make them feel like having to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how wrong the question is, but how badly it’s hurting and your friend or loved one.

Blame yourself. You can’t fit someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness, or lack thereof, is not your responsibility.

Respond quickly in a crisis. If a friend or family member tells you that he or she is thinking about suicide or death, it’s essential to evaluate the immediate danger the person is might be. Those at the highest risk for suicide soon have a specific PLAN, the MEANS, to carry out the plan, a TIME SET for doing it, and an INTENTION to do it.

Suicide Prevention Tips

Speak up if you are worried.

If you spot the warning signs of suicide in someone you care about, you may wonder if it’s a good idea to say anything. What if you are wrong? What if the individual gets angry? In such situations, it’s completely natural to feel uncomfortable or afraid. But anyone who talks about suicide or shows other warning signs needs immediate help-the sooner the better.

If a friend or family member tells you that he or she is thinking about suicide or death, it’s essential to evaluate the immediate danger the person might be in. Those at the highest risk for suicide soon have a Specific Plan, the Means to carry out the plan, a TIME SET for doing it, and the Intention to do it.

The following questions can help you assess the immediate risk for suicide:

Do you have a suicide plan? (PLAN)
Do you have what you need to carry out your plan. (pills, gun, etc,)? (MEANS)
Do you know when you would do it? (TIME SET)
Do you intend to take your own life? (INTENTION)

Levels of Suicide Risks

Low – Some suicidal thoughts. No suicide plan. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

Moderate – Suicidal thoughts. A vague plan that isn’t very lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

High – Suicidal thoughts. A specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she won’t attempt suicide.

Severe – Suicidal thoughts. A specific plan that is highly lethal. Says he or she will attempt suicide.

If a suicide attempt seems imminent, call a local crisis center, dial 911, or take the person to the emergency room. Remove guns, drugs, knives, and other potential objects from the vicinity but do not, under any circumstances, leave a suicidal person alone.

Offer help and support.

If a friend or family member is suicidal, the best way to help is by offering an empathetic listening ear. Let your loved one know that he or she is not alone and that you care. Don’t take responsibility, however, for making your loved one well. You can offer support, but you cannot be responsible for their choices. He or she has to make a personal commitment to recovery.

It takes courage to help someone who is suicidal. Witnessing a loved one dealing with thoughts of ending his or her own life can stir up many difficult emotions. As you’re helping a suicidal person, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Find someone that you trust – a friend, family member, pastor, or counselor to talk about your feelings and get the support of your own.

To help a suicidal person;

Get professional help. Do everything that you can to get a suicidal person the help he or she needs. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or local Crisis line for advice and referrals. Encourage the individual to see a mental health professional, their family health care provider, and emergency room, of a local treatment facility.

OTHER RESOURCES

National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255, or Text 838255

Veterans Crisis Line Call 1-800-273-8255 and Press, or text 838255

Follow – up on treatment. Check-in on your loved one to make sure they are doing what the provider recommended.

Be proactive. People contemplating suicide often don’t believe they can be helped, so you have to be more active in offering assistance. Saying, “Call me if you need me” is too vague. Don’t wait for them to call you, instead call them, drop by, or take them out for coffee.

Encourage positive lifestyle changes, such as healthy eating, plenty of sleep, getting out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes a day. Exercise, of any time, releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.

Make a safety plan. Help the individual develop a set of steps they can take during a suicidal crisis. It should identify any triggers that may lead to a suicidal crisis, such as an anniversary or a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Also include contact numbers for the person’s doctor, therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.

Remove potential means for suicide, such as knives, pills, razors, or firearms. If the person is likely to use prescription medications, keep them locked away or give them out only as needed.

Continue your support over the long haul. Even after the crisis has passed, remember, your help is vital to ensure that your loved one remains on the recovery track.

For more information check out these links:

My closing thoughts.

The church’s response to suicide has historically inept and at times utterly dismal. In the middle ages, the Church had accepted the doctrine that salvation comes only by good works, and when a person committed suicide, because he/she did not have the time to receive last rights, would be forever tormented in hell. In those days, people who committed suicide were denied church funerals and burials, and their families were banished or this disgrace. The Protestant church after the Reformation did little to correct these errors but instead continues many of the same practices. Thankfully, both the Roman Catholic and Protestant churches have since amended their doctrine.

Even with all of these changes, many Christians still operate with an ungracious, Middle Age’s mentality. Only a few years ago, when Rick Warren lost his son to suicide, a majority of people displayed grace, mercy, and compassion. A small, and ignorant group of “Christians” were way out of line in their judgment of both Rick and his son who died by suicide.

I believe when a person is in a suicidal mindset, they are literally out of their normal mind, I am not saying they are crazy or insane, but they are in a desperate, hurting place where their thinking is distorted. Even in that state, the grace of God is present.

What are we in the Church to do?

Given the state of our culture, it’s not surprising. People seem more isolated than ever before, despite — or perhaps in part because of — being more virtually connected. Loneliness and depression are epidemic and rising, and the mediating institutions of communities, like families, churches, and civic organizations, are struggling. Social ties are fraying at an astonishing pace. Click on this link to see the CDC’s most recent updates on the alarming rise of suicide in America.

In our society, it’s increasingly difficult for individuals to be spiritual, mentally and emotionally healthy.

And Christians are not immune. I think of Rick and Kay Warren’s son, Matthew. And my friend, Wisconsin Pastor Bill Lenz. Thank God the church is starting to wake up to the problems of suicide and mental illness. But only beginning to wake up.

The time has come, for the church to have a serious conversation about mental illness, about reaching out to those who struggle with mental illness, providing pastoral care and appropriate mental health referrals for them and their families so that they can genuinely feel integrated into the Christian community.

And that integration is essential. When a person who has a firm inner conviction of God’s love for them and his healing mercy and feels supported by the Christian community, that person is going to have a significantly lower risk of suicide, even if they are struggling with a serious [mental] illness.

And then, what can churches do? Be aware, he said. The person next to you in the pew may be struggling. Pastors and church leaders: Pray for your members who are suffering. And vice versa! Open the door to support groups for those who struggle with mental illness or their family members — much like we would for anyone struggling with a physical illness. If leaders lead — even with small steps — the congregation will follow.

I live in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and I am proud to say that several of our churches have very robust recovery, and faith-based psycho-education courses. In my church, Sagebrush Community Church, I occasionally teach short-term classes on Depress as well as Stress and Anxiety. A few years ago, I helped my home church, as well as a couple of other area churches, develop a referral list of both competent Christian Counselors, as well as others who were faith-friendly. The last time I checked, between Sagebrush, New Beginnings Church, and Copper Pointe church, three churches that I have assisted over the years, there are probably between 1000-1500 people getting direct help from outreach ministries of these churches in my city. I know many other churches are doing exceptional work in helping individuals and families who struggle with mental illness, addictions, and recovery. I applaud their efforts and hope and pray that other churches will pick up the banner and spread the word that we are all broken people and that Jesus offers us love, hope, and forgiveness.

If your church is looking for competent faith-friendly counselors, you can go to the American Association of Christian Counselors, (aacc.net) or Focus on the Family (https://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional-health/counseling-services-and-referrals)

Next to Jesus Himself, life is the greatest gift God has given us. And as his children, we have to do all we can to help our brothers and sisters hold on to life — and to Jesus.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39 New Living Translation (NLT)

Feel free to comment and even email me your thoughts.

Resilient Leadership Wins, Part 1

By John Active Optimism, Crisis Leadership, Crisis management, Crisis Management, Resilience, Resilient Leadership

“You must manage yourself before you can lead others.” Zig Ziglar

Your true leadership abilities or lack of them will reveal themselves in a crisis.

At that moment when the crap hits the fan, you will either rise to the occasion or crash and burn. You will either be a resilient leader, or you will cower to the pressure.

I know this from personal experience as a Certified Corporate Response Specialist.

Over the past 12 years, I have responded to over 150 disruptive workplace events ranging from layoffs to mass shootings, and I have personally observed both exceptional and impotent leadership

In this article, I will give you some of the best researched and most up-to-date strategies for being ready for whatever crisis comes your way. You have both the joy and the responsibility to be a resilient leader to those you are responsible for. Why? Because resilient leaders make things happen in both their personal life and in the business world.

When you implement these principles, you will be able to be a compassionate, clear-headed leader, even on your worst day.

Preparing for “bad days” really means becoming more resilient both before, during, and after an adverse event, even natural human-made disasters. Being ready can be one of the most valuable things you can ever do, especially when facing potentially life-changing circumstances (Everly 2019).

In reviewing people and companies who have overcome adversity, there seem to be five core psychological/behavioral factors that leaders have to take their organization through tough times. Here they are:

Active Optimism – the deep belief and conviction that life events will turn out well, primarily because one believes she/he can contribute and assist in making things turn out well. Active Optimism is much more than just a belief. It is a mandate for change. It is a gut reaction to move forward when others are retreating.
Decisiveness – the ability to overcome the “paralysis by analysis and make difficult decisions. You must be decisive and act to move forward. You have to acquire the courage to make difficult decisions. Making these decisions is easier when you are rooted in your…
Moral Compass – the ability to evaluate one’s actions against the gold standard of honor, integrity, fidelity, and ethical behavior. Once you make your decision/you will need to employ…
Relentless Tenacity, Determination, and Grit. A key ingredient in being tenacious is knowing when to pursue a course of action, and when to quit. To discover hidden opportunities, build your resilience, and boost physical, spiritual, and psychological energy, you will need to rely on…
Interpersonal Support – Who has your six o’clock, your back. While we are more connected than every before, research tells us that we are more lonely than any time in history. To be effective, you have to have to be connected to others.

Of these five, there are two that stood out as the most influential, and they were Active Optimism and Self Efficacy.

Active Optimism

The first trait of a resilient person has engaged Optimism. The core belief that life events will turn out well, mainly because one believes she/he possess the ability to assist in making things turn out well. For the Christian, it may sound like the Apostle Paul’s reminder in Philippians 1:6, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

One of the keys to understanding active Optimism is to realize it is not some “pie in the sky, and the world is all rainbows and lollipops.”Dynamic Optimism is based on having realistic expectations.

Another key to understanding dynamic Optimism is to understand the term self-efficacy. This term coined by Dr. Albert Bandura (1977; 1997) and means “beliefs in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to produce given attainments.” Another definition is the person’s belief in his or her ability to succeed in a given situation. (Thurman 2017)

My question is; Why do so many Christian businessmen and women, ministry leaders, and others struggle with this idea.
I think it is because of our mindset. I do not believe it is a matter of faith, but more about our mindset.

So John, what are some things I can do to increase my Optimism?

Part of developing active Optimism has the right mindset.

Dr. Carolyn Dweck’s book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success looks into this matter with great skill and practical insights.
Here is an excerpt from one of my blogs from a couple of years ago.

First, choose to shift into a “growth mindset.”Dr. Carol Dweck, the author of mindset, spent her life researching the origins of mindsets, their role in motivation and self-regulation, and their impact on achievement and interpersonal processes. Her findings give us two options, a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. (Thurman 2017)

A “fixed mindset” is one in which you believe you are born with a particular set of talents, abilities, and intelligence—all of which are unchangeable. Some people with a fixed mindset may find it harder to experience life change and growth. As a result, a fixed-mindset person fails to develop his abilities and is more likely to give up or become distracted and feel depressed when he fails to make the grade in his own eyes. I believe this is where so many fruitless Christians are stuck; they think they have no power to change, which is a lie from the pit of hell. In my first book Get a Grip on Depression, I reveal six of the most common, fixed mindsets, or “stinking thinking”patterns that can hold us back. Why not order a copy today.

A person with a growth mindset begins in a different place. When you have a growth mindset, you see yourself and others as more flexible, adaptable, and hopeful. Way down inside, you know the potential for growth and development. With faith, the proper motivation, effort, moral compass, and concentration, you can make the changes you need to make. A person who has a growth mindset does not take failure so personally. That individual tends to see failure as an opportunity for growth. If one path does not work, then the person will try another.

As a Christian therapist, I believe the Bible continually teaches the benefit of being growth-minded. I believe God is active in time, space, and history, and He has a vibrant, life-fulfilling plan for each of us. The Bible gives us truth, hope, and stories of those who have gone before us and have found such purpose.

From my struggle in this area, I know working toward a growth mindset in the middle of depression may seem close to impossible. However, the truth found in the Bible is, “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”(Philippians 4:13 NLT). This confidence is not some magical incantation or mystical, spiritual event, but it is a process or a journey.

In addition to checking out your mindset, here are four more ways to increase Active Optimism. (Thurman 2017)

1.Being successful at something. Actual success builds the belief that one can be successful in the future. Past achievements, no matter how small, are the building blocks for future achievements.

2. Vicarious experiences (observational learning, modeling, imitation) increase the overall confidence of people observe the actions of others. For example, my wife is a Senior Leader in Premier Designs Jewelry; she has been involved with this outstanding company for the past 25 years. Over these years, she has shared her story of abuse, recurrent major depression, and suffering a Moderate Traumatic Brain Injury and how she built her business in spite of those challenges. Her hope is by sharing her story; she will inspire her audiences to embrace their problems with a growth mindset and trust the Lord to bless.

3.Verbal persuasion and encouragement from others enhance self-esteem and resilience. Parents, leaders, coaches, co-workers, and teammates have a positive impact on self-efficacy. These various sources of support help set the stage for success. Finding a supportive and encouraging mentor can mean the difference between failure and success in nearly every area of one’s life.

4. Learning to control one’s impulses, emotions, and reactivity under stress and adversity can convey confidence, which translates into proactive resilience.

So, what do you want to do? Are you happy where you are? Alternatively, do you want to work on a reset, moving towards a growth mindset, and a more optimistic world view? The Lord put you on this earth to have an impact! One of the ways you can move out of the shadows and into the light is to open your mind to the things the Lord wants to show you and have the courage to live with an optimistic world view.

I do provide private leadership coaching, if you ae interested in a free 30 minute consultation email me john@johnthurman.net. Type Free Consultation in the Subject Line.

Blessings.

El Paso: Hope Amid Chaos

By John #ElPasoStrong, El Paso Shooting, Grief, Mass Shootings, Post Traumatic Growth

Recently America experiences a weekend was filled with horror, death, fear, anxiety, panic, and dread as news spread of the El Paso shootings and the second shock of the shootings in Dayton.

Even as this tragic news was breaking, I was anticipating being called to respond to the tragedy in El Paso. Early Sunday evening, I was asked to head to El Paso early Monday morning as a Grief Counselor for a business that was directly impacted by this tragedy. I chose to focus on El Paso, because I was there.

In those two days, I talked with 21 people who were directly affected by this event. Some had lost friends and family members, others had experienced prior violence. All were nearly immobilized with fear, and others were angry.

This article is a direct result of the freshness of this week’s response as well as 150 plus responses to disruptive workplace events in my work as a Crisis Response Specialist.

With that in mind, I want to share some practical steps you can take to deal with some of the potential toxic emotional aftermaths of such a horrible and tragic event.

When any mass shooting or act of terror occurs, it is reasonable to feel anxious, scared, and uncertain about what the future could bring. With time and appropriate attention, these strong, sometimes immobilizing fears, thoughts, and feelings can begin to fade as life begins its return to a new normal.

Returning to a New Normal

You can accelerate the process by doing the following:

• Limit media exposure! On a practical level, the half-hour evening newscasts will give you enough information to stay current. There is little added value to hearing the 24-hour pundit input.

• Ignoring your feelings about the event will dynamically impair your recovery process.

• Talking about what and how you are feeling may be difficult, but it will help you and others heal.

• Being proactive about you and your family’s situation and well-being (rather than passively waiting for someone else to help you) will help decrease the feelings of powerlessness, anger, anxiety, and vulnerability. Focus on anything that allows you and your family to feel safe, calm, and secure.

Recovery Tips

• Re-establish the routines of your personal and family life.

• Connect with others in your neighborhood, workgroup, and place of worship. For those who exercise spiritual discipline, one of best practices to enhance your recovery is to regularly attend worship services and be a part of a small group.

• If you work a regular 9-5 job, there is a strong possibility that you have an Employee Assistance Benefit which provides free, short-term counseling for you and your family. Be sure to check with your HR department or the benefits link on your company’s website.

• Challenge any thoughts of helplessness.

• Minimize media exposure

• Make stress reduction a priority.
• Get out and exercise.

Tips for Helping Your Kids Cope

• Provide your kids with ongoing opportunities to talk about what they may be feeling.

• If you don’t know the answer to a question they might have, don’t be afraid to admit it.

• Restrict their exposure to media.

• Remember, children often personalize situations. They may worry about their safety or that of their family, even if the traumatic event occurred far away. Reassure them and help them understand the situation in context.

• Watch for the signs of stress: crying, insomnia, tummy aches, excessive fear, and worry.

Moving Forward

Humans are designed to be resilient. In several studies, resilience and post-traumatic growth and hope are three of the critical components of healing as well as personal and spiritual growth. By resilience, I mean the ability to resist the manifestations of clinical distress, impairment, or dysfunction that are often associated with critical incidents, acts of terror, mass disasters, and personal trauma.

While we are still reeling from the events of the first week of August, I can tell you based on my years of work in the field that we as individuals, families, and Americans will honor the dead, and care for those who are injured with both visible and invisible wounds. Also, we, as a nation of immigrants (my ancestry is Northern Western European, Wales, and England) will support each other and experience positive, post-traumatic growth.

One of the most important things we can do in the days and weeks ahead it to comfort, console and encourage each other.

This passage from the New Testament Book of 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 have helped people for over 2000 years. Take a moment and read it for yourself.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

A Personal Note of Preparedness

These are dangerous times in our country. I thought long and hard about adding this portion, and I would never want to promote fear, I do want to be crystal clear about what I am about to say.

The best way to overcome fear is preparedness.

Many of you have been through Active Shooter Training at work. The Department of Homeland has a great link and a 90-minute training film that, in my opinion, is worth the time to view, whether you are a private citizen, and small business owner, or a part of an international organization.

You should know the drill by now. Flee if you can. If you cannot flee, Hide. If you cannot hide, Fight. I would add a fourth: know how to stop the bleeding. Incident after incident reveals that if a person does not immediately die from a gunshot wound, they will most likely bleed out.

Apart from these national tragedies, you and I still need to know basic First Aid, this video from FEMA is an exceptional training video on how to Stop The Bleed or hemorrhagic control.

If you are authorized to carry a concealed weapon legally, are you proficient in your use of arms? Are you prepared to engage the shooter if that is your final option? If you choose to carry these are some of the serious things you need to consider.

A few days after these mass shootings, an off duty firefighter who was authorized to conceal and carry a weapon stopped an armed individual outside a Walmart in Missouri.

The day of the shooting in El Paso, a young soldier, who is authorized to conceal and carry a weapon, drew his pistol and helped rescue several children when he heard gunfire; unfortunately, he lamented that while he asked people to help him evacuate the children, only one other man helped out. In my opinion, he is one of many heroes that day in El Paso—men and women who ran toward trouble rather than away from it. God bless our First Responders.

There will be lots of lessons learned from these recent tragic events.
While many will attempt to use these events as political currency, why don’t you and I, regardless of politics, socio-economic background, ancestral heritage pull together and do what we can to make this country and this world a better place to live.

Closing Thoughts

In closing, I’d like to take a quick trip down memory lane to some truths and principles that we need to remind ourselves of.

As a former Boy Scout, the oath and creed I learned as a boy is in my mind me today. For those of you who grew up in the Scouts, remember it with me.

Scout Oath

On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; To help other people at all times; To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

Scout Law

The Scout Law has 12 points. Each is a goal for every Scout. A Scout tries to live up to the law every day. It is not always easy to do, but a Scout always tries.

A Scout is:

TRUSTWORTHY. Tell the truth and keep promises. People can depend on you.

LOYAL. Show that you care about your family, friends, Scout leaders, school, and country.

HELPFUL. Volunteer to help others without expecting a reward.

FRIENDLY. Be a friend to everyone, even people who are very different from you.

COURTEOUS. Be polite to everyone and always use good manners.

KIND. Treat others as you want to be treated. Never harm or kill any living thing without good reason.

OBEDIENT. Follow the rules of your family, school, and pack. Obey the laws of your community and country.

CHEERFUL. Look for the bright side of life. Cheerfully do tasks that come your way. Try to help others be happy.

THRIFTY. Work to pay your way. Try not to be wasteful. Use the time, food, supplies, and natural resources wisely.

BRAVE. Face difficult situations even when you feel afraid. Do what you think is right despite what others might be doing or saying.

CLEAN. Keep your body and mind fit. Help keep your home and community clean.

REVERENT. Be reverent toward God. Be faithful in your religious duties. Respect the beliefs of others.

Maybe we should thinks about what it would be like if we took some of these principles and integrated or reintegrate them into our live.

What if we spend less time in the blush’s screen and more time looking into each other’s eyes as we talk and live out lives.

Ancient Wisdom on day-to-day living:

So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Ephesians 5:15 NLT

Ancient Wisdom on dealing with fear.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 Amplified

Live in Grace and Peace
John

Blessings,
John

One Word that Can Change Your Marriage: L.I.S.T.E.N.

By John Marriage, Relationship Tips, Resilient Marriages, Troubled Marriage

Do you ever lay awake at night feeling distant or disconnected in your marriage? The truth is if you keep doing what you have been doing, you are going to get the same thing.

Do you want to have a more resilient, robust marriage? Do you want to begin to take some simple steps to turn things around?

You always have a choice to make a decision. You can do nothing, or you can choose to begin using some of the tools contained in this article to start improving your relationship within the next few hours.

These six insights are the results of 47 years of being married and sitting with couples as they worked through their issues as a relationship specialist.

Because I want your marriage to have a renewed sense of love, passion, and purpose here is a simple process that you can begin as soon as you finish this article. You can begin, literally right now, to build a more resilient marriage.

Here is a low-cost, high yield way to refresh and energize your relationship? While the focus on this article is on your relationship, these practical-proven tips will work in your day-to-day living.

I am going to take the six letters of the word LISTEN and show you how to add almost instant energy and purpose in your day to day actions.

Let’s jump in!

L – Lean forward and look into your partner’s eyes. I am not talking about a staredown, because that can get pretty creepy pretty quick. Instead, be intentional about looking into their eyes. FYI, it is reasonable to look into someone’s eyes and look away, so I do not want you to feel weird. However, studies are showing that more people struggle with this because of the blue screen of electronic devices.

I – Use “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements. This is a tough one for so many of us. Yet, while tough, it is a skill that can be learned, click here for a free PDFon how to learn to trade in the old inflammatory “you” statements with uplifting “I” statements

S – Shared Responsibility. The blame game started in Genesis chapter 3 and continues until today. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard clients say something like, “I wouldn’t do “x” if she didn’t do “y”? Let’s face it most of us find it pretty easy to blame someone else, like our spouse, our parents, our in-laws, and God only know what else for the problems in our relationships. The hard truth is that it usually takes two people to screw things up, so rather than becoming an impotent blamer, assume responsibility for the issues you are struggling with and share the responsibility for it.

Dr. Jack Allen, a friend of mine, puts it this way, “If you make a mess, take ownership of it, confess it, then CLEAN IT UP!

T – Tenacious. Absolutely refuse to be wimpy and whinny. Lean into the relationship, face the issues with courage, be committed as a couple to work through the situation. The key concept here is resilience. Get help if you need it.

I am an old Tom Petty fan, and for years I have used his song “I Won’t Back Down,” as a personal theme to be tenacious in my marriage and in my own convictions. If you haven’t heard it in a while, here is a link to the video.

E – Encourage. The word means to give courage, hope, and confidence. Here is a secret that I have learned as both a therapist and a man married to the same woman for 47 years.

Men need three things: To feel needed, to feel competent, and to feel respected.

Woman needthree things: To feel valued, to feel cherished, and to feel secure.

If you think about these three needs, you will find that it will be easier to be an encourager.

N – Negate the negative. Make sure not to overthink the negatives in your relationship, if you do you will self-destruct! Instead, be intentional about looking for the good.

I want you to take a couple of minutes and listen to a vintage song that deals with the power of having a positive attitude. Here is Paul McCartney’s & Diane Krall’s version of Accentuate the Positive.

I know that was quick, but I also know that this little six-letter tool kit can enhance all of your relationships.

Here is my challenge for you. Pick the one that you feel you need to work on in your marriage to just do it.

I’d love to hear how this helps, so please feel free to comment.

Looking for some help in your relationship? Email John about getting a free marriage 30-minute marriage assessment.

Interested in doing a Couple’s Personality Consultation? Simply email John for more info.

Some Ancient Insight:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT

5 Stages of Marriage from 30,000 Feet

By John Marriage & Relationships, Relationship Tips, Resilient Marriages

Did you know that marriage experts have identified 5 Phases of Marriage? In today’s article, I will give you a bird’s eye view of the 5 Phases of Marriage and in the next few posts, I will go into more detail on each one.

One of the ways to develop a more intentional and resilient marriage is to be a life-long learner.

Married life can be very frustrating at times. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks, and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbors listen.

Forty-seven years into this adventure called marriage, and we are still active learners. As a long-time participant and observer of relationships, I can tell you that, like children, marriages go through specific, predictable stages and phases. By preparing for these, you can learn to resist some of the temptations to take short cuts or bailout of the relationship, and you will learn to be resilience. If you fail to understand these common, predictable patterns, then there could be a rough road ahead of misunderstanding, overreaction, which can lead to the death of your relationship.

Make sure you’re a buckled in as we take off and overview these phases and stages look like from 30,000 feet.

Phase One – Crazy in Love/Lust.
This stage can last from months to years. It is all about you and your lover and the excitement, sex, and intimacy you are experiencing. You have fallen in love and knew the two of you would spend the rest of your life together. The little differences in personality and style were seen as cute and endearing.

Phase Two-What on Earth was I Thinking?
At some point in the relationship, the little differences begin to annoy us. What was cute a few months ago is now a significant source of irritation. The little voices in our heads start to wonder if our spouse is the right one, or did I get a lemon. In this stage of the relationship, we begin to realize that we didn’t marry Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful. Slowly it begins to dawn on us that the “perfect relationship” is flawed.

Phase Three – I Can’t Change My Spouse; Maybe I Should End It!
This is the stage where a couple may seek the counsel of friends, clergy, or a therapist. Usually, there have been several hurts, continued harsh conversations, a significant drop in communication, and an increase in disengagement within the marriage. It may have gotten to the point where one spouse is pushing for a divorce, and the other is pleading to save the marriage. This phase is where the relationship is at risk of an affair.

Phase Four – Maybe We can Work it Out.
In this phase, we begin to come to terms with the fact that we are never going to agree on everything with our spouses. As a couple moves into the phase, they begin accepting the fact that you have to take the good with the bad. We become more open to forgiving our spouse, recognizing that we might not be the easiest to live with.

Over the next several weeks, I will be going into more detail about each phase and stage to give you some tools to enhance your relationship.
I hope to hear your thoughts and ideas on this subject so feel free to leave a comment.

Phase Five – We’re in this Together
“Divorce Busting” expert, Michelle Wiener-Davis says, “It is a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to this stage when all of the pain and hard work of the earlier stages begin to pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony.” Many times this stage of a marriage is a time to renew your friendship and passion. I hope you will choose to have a long-term, rewarding marriage that is both intentional and resilient.

Hey, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article. Shoot me a comment and let’s have a conversation!

John

5 Practices of Successful, Resilient Couples

By John Marital Intimacy, Marriage, Marriage & Relationships, Resilient Marriages

five principles of successful couples, communicate

For the next four weeks, as my wife and I approach our 47th anniversary, I will be posting some articles about ways to build and maintain a long-term, resilient marriage.

What would you think if I told you I’d discovered 5 practices of successful, resilient couples, all starting with the letter C, that you could use to give your marriage a jump start?

Recently I was speaking to a group of about 140 folks at Cannon AFB in Clovis, New Mexico. While my presentation was on Resilience and Stress Management, a couple of the participants and I get into a brief discussion about marriage and what makes some marriages work. I mentioned a few things like communication, compromise, being honest, you know the usual stuff and pretty much forgot about it and went back to the session.

Then, the other night we had several friends over for a dinner party, and while a couple of us were visiting we discovered that they had just celebrated their 46th anniversary, another was going to be celebrating 24, and we are preparing to celebrate our 47th next month. That is 117 years of marriage! While we didn’t get into the subject, I have known these folks for a while, and I could safely say, they demonstrate the 5 practices of successful, resilient couples.

So here are the 5 practices of successful, resilient couples or practices you can develop in your marriage.

Ready? Let’s jump in.

Compromise – One of the things you learn about marriage, usually within the first few days or weeks is that a marriage is all about giving. Compromise is a vital part of any successful, enduring marriage. For two individuals to develop and work as a married team, you must learn to give and take.

5 principles of successful couples, Clear the Air

Communicate – Your marriage will shrivel or thrive based on the number of meaningful discussions that you have. Communication in your marriage is like a life-giving river. When you fail to communicate you dam the lifeblood of your marriage. Do what you can, read what you need, spend the money necessary to guard your communication. Many potentially significant marriages crumble simply because of poor or no communication.

Clear the Air, don’t hide your hurts. WARNING: I am not talking about downloading on someone. One of the components of a long-term marriage is that you allow your spouse to encourage, nurture, comfort, and support you. As couples learn to mutually do this, several positive things can happen. A few benefits include feeling accepted, which leads to more emotional connection, lower stress, and increased intimacy.

By the way, laughter can help clear the air!

Choose your Battles Carefully. When you have two people sharing the same space, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually, the conflict will ensue. So, don’t be blindsided by this. The critical thing here is to be careful to choose what you will be investing your energy in. Here is a helpful acronym from my friends dealing with addiction, the word HALT is one of the tools they use to avoid “falling of the wagon.” I believe it can also be a powerful way to lower the risks and level of conflict in your home.

H – Hunger is a physical and emotional need. Hungry people can be grumpy people, and cranky people tend to be more combative.

A – Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that we all experience from time to time. Slow down and take some time to try and understand what is causing the anger and know how to express it appropriately.

L – Loneliness – If you are feeling lonely and. or misunderstood, do you best not to isolate,but to find meaningful and safe ways to connect with your spouse.

T – Tiredness impacts us across the board, body, soul, mind, and spirit. Realize that if you or your spouse are experiencing tiredness and fatigue, you are more at risk to fight.

You might want to check out my 10 Rules for Fighting Fair.

Hopefully, this acronym will help you in choosing your battles carefully.

Last, but certainly not least is what I believe is the most important one.

Want to receive my Free Ebook 21 Ways to Improve Your Marriage? Text the word Marriage to 33777.

Capitalize on trust, truth, and honesty. Dishonestly in a marriage is an almost sure-fire way to screw things up. Why? It destroys trust. It sets a horrible example. It undermines your goals as a couple.

Being married is at the same time, one of the best and toughest things you will ever do. My hope is that you will be able to use these 5 principles of successful, resilient couples to enhance your marriage.

Ancient Relationship Wisdom

So, which of these do you need to work on? Which one could you prayerfully consider doing this week? I’d love to hear from you.

Full Disclosure, this article was inspired by 5 Secret to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage by Dr. John M. Grohol. It was hard to beat his outline, though I have addressed the different areas a little bit differently.

Hey, I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas on this, maybe even begin a conversation.

Blessings,

John Thurman

10 Rules for Fighting Fair

By John Intimacy, Marriage, Marriage & Relationships, Resilient Marriages

Have you ever been at a party and overheard a couple say, “Oh, we never fight!” Don’t believe them! In this article I will show you ten rules for fighting fair.

Couples fight! We will be married 47 years this August, and we have had our fair share of fights. As a matter of fact, we had a pretty good one yesterday, as I recall it had to do with my being distracted by my new iPhone. The good news is that over the years, we have learned to fight fair. One of the traits of a resilient marriage is the ability to manage conflict.

Did you know that most of what we fight about really doesn’t matter? As a matter of fact, Dr. John Gottman, the leading authority says, “Our research has shown 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. All couples have them — these problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. They are either fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. ^[i]

The key to fighting fair is to maintain control. You do not have the right to be immature, childish, or abusive. If you do have legitimate feelings and issues, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.

So here are 10 Rules for Fighting Fair.

Make it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your kids is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally and spiritually all because you don’t have the self-control to keep it together until you can talk about it privately. It is not advisable to share information about your fights with family and friends – the information always gets twisted and enhanced.

Deal with the issue at hand. Keep it relevant. Stay on task! Focus on the problems rather than attacking each other. Don’t bring up old issues or grudges when they are not a part of the solution. Put boundaries around the subject so it won’t turn into a free-for-all. Limit the discussion to the one issue at the center of the conflict.

Stay in the room emotionally, keep it real. Deal with them, not with symptoms. Tell your spouse what is bothering you. Focus on the issue rather than the attack! When people are involved in a conflict, it is easy to feel flooded and overwhelmed, here is one quick free way to make sure you are staying in the room. Check your pulse if it around one hundred, 80 if you are athletic, then step back take a few moments and attempt to re-engage.

Eliminate “You never,” “You always.” These phrases will always lead to someplace you really don’t want to go.

Avoid character assassination like the plague. Stay focused on the issue rather than ripping into your spouse’s personality, family, or past.

Don’t “mind read!” Have you ever said or heard, “I know what you are thinking?” If you have, then consider yourself duly busted. If you are not sure what your partner meant by something they said, ask for clarification. Because asking for clarification always adds bonus points by slowing the conversation down. It lets your partner know that you are really trying to connect and understand.

Stay on task! The mission is to resolve to conflict and come out with a “win-win” not an “I win you lose” outcome.

Be proportional in your intensity. You don’t kill a fly with a cannon. There are basically only two types of problems people have – solvable and unsolvable (or not solvable right now.) Everything that you disagree on is not an earth-shattering issue. Remember, you don’t have to get mad and upset every time you have a cause to be.

Commit yourself to openness, honesty, and acceptance. This will help you relax, listen, and give feedback.

Allow yourself and your partner to retreat and/or regroup with dignity. How a fight ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being offered to you (it might be disguised as an apology or a joke) and give each other a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Action Plan

Are you serious about improving your relationship? If you are, I want to challenge you to review this article and pick two or three specific things you can do to make your next fight more productive.

If you would be interested in relationship coaching shoot me an email and we can set up a free assessment call.

Be sure to let me know what you are going to do in the comments.

Blessings.

^[i]https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/12 Feb 2018

D-Day Thoughts

By John D-Day

In the summer of 1977, I was a newly minted twenty-five-year-old U.S. Army Chaplain assigned to the 1st Battalion, 153rd Infantry, 39th Infantry Brigade of the Arkansas Army National Guard. It was my first time for Annual Training, a time when many National Guard units gather for training.

It was during this time that I met Master Sergeant Clark(not his real name), a kind, older soldier, probably in his mid 50’s who welcomed me and told me that he was a member of the Church of the Nazarene. The unit patch on the right shoulder of his fatigues said to me that he’s served in combat with the 45th Infantry (Thunderbird) Division, a unit made up of National Guard soldiers.

During the first few days of training, I’d had the opportunity to visit with him a couple of times and hear just enough of his story to want to hear more.

In those days there were still several WWII veterans in the Guard. Many had done their time, we discharged, and later came back into the various Army Reserve and National Guard Units.

Towards the end of the first week, the XO of the Battalion informed me that Sergeant Clark had been admitted to the hospital for a possible heart attack and asked if I could drive into town with the Sergeant Major to visit him. We had a great visit, heard some his stories and he and the Sergeant Major had both served in WWII, and we went back to the field.

This would be Master Sergeant’s last Annual Training. He was transferred back to the hospital in his home town. As I recall, he was discharged from the hospital and within the next few months died of a heart attack.

As the unit chaplain, I was one of many unit members that represented the Battalion at his funeral.

As a member of the Greatest Generation, Sergeant didn’t talk much about his WWII experiences. Instead, he lived a quiet life in Southern Arkansas, was a loving husband, father, and granddad. He was an active member in his church and lived a life that honored the Lord Jesus. Like so many of his peers he saw and experienced some of the most extraordinary things, a young man can suffer as a result of being involved in a war. But you would never know his story unless he let you in.

One of the benefits of being a soldier and a Chaplain is that when soldiers begin to trust you, they will tell you some of their story with you. I know that he’d been a tanker and had been involved in the Sicily and Italian Campaign and then was involved in the D-Day invasion.

What I learned at the funeral is that he’d had two tanks shot out from him in just a few days in France. You see, he had to be a badass when his country called him to join the fight. He engaged the enemy, took care of his men, and fought until he could fight he was relieved. That has so many of these young men in WW II were.

On that day, the preacher shared the word of God about the Death, Burial, and Resurrection of Christ and the Hope we have in Christ.

Also, on that day, other older soldiers shared some appropriate stories about MSG. Clark.

We went to the cemetery, words were said, the ground was consecrated, and as Taps played fellow soldiers fire the final rifle volley.

That was the first Military Funeral that I’d participated in, and even now I have tender memories of that fine man. I read that the greatest generation soldiers are dying at a rate of 400 a day as they move into their 90’s

This week, as we recall the 75th anniversary-Day, take a few moments to review the history and impact of that day, and if you are brave, ask members in your family about family members who may have served in WW II.

I had an aunt served as an Army Nurse, three uncles that served, one was with the Merchant Marines, one was Airborne, and one was a medic. My dad was commissioned into the Navy as the war ended. While they may be gone, see if any other family members know any of their stories.

Here are a couple of movies that will help give you a perspective:

Saving Private Ryan

The Series Band of Brothers.

Fury – an up close and compelling account of a WW II tank crew toward the end of the war

May we be worthy Americans that can live a life that honors their sacrifice.

7 Benefits of Having Humor in Your Relationship

By John Marriage, Marriage & Relationships, Relationship Tips, Resilient Marriages

Cheap ways to strengthen your marriage by adding humor to your reationship.

Several years ago, my wife and I had come to an impasse in our relationship. I was detached and living in my career; something men often do, and my wife was into other things. I wish I could tell you that I suggested some counseling, but no, I was too proud and bone-headed to do that. It was my wife who strongly encouraged me to make a call. Our counselor was a wise man who helped us learn to re-negotiate our marriage and reconnect. As we wrapped up therapy, he made a comment that surprised and encouraged us. He said, “Angie and John, like many couples that come to see me, you guys were way off track, but even in some of the tougher sessions you both maintained a healthy sense of humor in your relationship. That let me know that you two are going to make it.”

Those encouraging words were a gift to us nearly 34 years ago and have sustained us through the ebbs and flows of our marriage. Through the Winters, Springs, Summers, and Falls of our lives, we have managed to maintain humor in our relationship.

Humor, laughter, and joy have a powerful effect on health and well-being. It alleviates tension and stress, boosts the mood, raises creativity, and provides an excellent, drug-free energy boost. Humor brings people together and helps them manage life better. An occasional shared belly laugh is an essential part of a robust and healthy relationship.

Laughter and joy and playful communication are some of the most effective, free tools that can keep your relationship vital, fresh, and stimulating. Humor and laughter can keep your relationship exciting, light, and joyful. Want more sex, laugh more. Want to increase your overall well-being, chill out, and giggle.

Here are six things that laughter and humor can do to enhance your relationship.

1. Links you to others. We are hardwired for relationships. Your happiness and health, in no small degree, depend on the quality of your relationships. Real connections are engaged in face to face, eyeball to eyeball, not in the glow of the blue tinted screens. And the laughter helps strengthen the relationship’s connect on several levels.

2. Helps smooth over differences. Using soft humor often enables you to deal with sensitive subjects, work through disagreements, and gain a fresh perspective on problems.

3. Develops resilience. A sense of humor is one of the keys to resilience. The American Psychological Association defines resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress–such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.

4. Increases energy and relaxes at the same time. Joy, humor, and laughter relieve fatigue and relax your body while recharging your batteries and helps you get more done.

5. Renews perspective. Most relationships, life, or job situations are not as bad when viewed through the window of joy and laughter.

6. Increases creativity. Playfulness and humor release certain brain chemicals that loosen you up energize your thinking, and inspire creative problem-solving.

As we move into the summer months, I want to challenge you to be more intentional about experiencing more joy in your relationship.

I’d love to hear your comments, input

and ideas.

You Can Become More Resilient!

By John Faith and Hope, Optimism, Resilience, True Success

“How can you think yourself a great man, when the first accident that comes along can wipe you out completely.”
— Euripides

Did you know that no matter where you are in your life, you can become more resilient? Resilience is a hot topic and has been for the past few years. Every week more research looks into the topic of resilience. More therapist are realizing the importance of helping client learn to become more resilient.

The subject of resilience in positive psychology deals with the ability to cope with whatever life throws at you. Some people can be knocked down by life and return as a stronger person than ever before. These people are called resilient. Did you know that you can learn how to become more resilient?

A resilient person works through challenges by using personal resources, strengths and other positive capacities of psychological and spiritual capital such as faith, hope, optimism, and self-efficacy. Overcoming a crisis by resiliency is often described as “bouncing back” to a normal state of functioning. Being resilient is also positively associated with happiness.

“If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”

We define resilience very merely as a steady trajectory of healthy functioning after a highly adverse event.

Dr. George Everly defines resilience as the ability to withstand, adapt to, or rebound from extreme challenges or adversity.

Dr. George Bonanno defines it this way: By resilience is meant the ability of individuals exposed to a potentially highly disruptive event to maintain both healthy psychological, spiritual and physical functioning and the capacity for positive emotions.

Personal resilience, what we sometimes think of as psychological body armor (a term credited to and copywriter by Dr. George Everly), is your ability to bounce back, to pick yourself up and try again, and again and again until your either succeed or decide on a more productive direction.

Resilience is your ability to see yourself in the dark abyss of failure, humiliation or depression-and bounce back, not only to where you were before, but to even greater heights of success, happiness, intentionality, and inner strength.

Resilience helps you withstand adversity. It gives you a form of immunity that enables you to make the right decisions under pressure, motivates you to move forward and always allows you to bounce back quickly and effectively.

Resilience gives you an edge when things get tough in your relationships.

The great news is that research reveals five factors for personal resilience.

Active Optimism– It’s the inclination to move forward while others are retreating. But to do so much lead to …
Decisive Action — You have to make a conscious choice to be decisive and to act to move forward. Clare Boothe Luce stated, “Courage is the ladder on which all other virtues mount.” To grow, you must have the courage to make robust discussions. These decisions are much more comfortable when they are based on a…
Moral Compass. For me personally, this is based on a biblical world view which is wrapped in honor, integrity, love, and ethical behavior to guide your decisions. Once you have made your decision, you much engage in…
Relentless Tenacity, and determination. Be persistent, while at the same time knowing when to quit. To find hidden opportunities and aid in physical, psychological, and spiritual energy for the task rely on…
Active, face to face social support. While social media is important, nothing can replace an appropriate look, word, and touch.

Why is it so important to have an active social support network?

First, it essential to life. Even the Bible talks about the importance of being connected on a personal level. Doing life together is good for your health.

Second, many researchers have discovered that social support if one of the critical components in recovering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Third, being connected can have a positive impact on your income.

Fourth, sharing your life with others invites them to share their life with you.

Fifth, having social support makes you stronger both in your personal life and in your relationships.

The ancient wisdom contained in the Book of Ecclesiastes says “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
So, how can you begin to be intentionally connected?

All relationships are not equally supportive. Building a network of supportive friends, or even just one supportive relationship can be vital to your wellbeing.

Let me close with one of my favorite pieces of ancient literature. This ancient wisdom helps me in my personal development of resilience;

Proverbs 3:5–6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take. (New Living Translation)

Please check out these great links:

What Does It Mean to Be Resilient and Why Does It Matter, by my friend Danielle Bernock

Resilience and Tolerances by Seth Godin

Bonanno G. A. Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely adverse events?. American Psychologist. 2004; 59: 20–28. [PubMed Abstract].[Google Scholar]

Bonanno G. A., Westphal M., Mancini A. D. Resilience to loss and potential trauma. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology. 2011; 7: 511–535. [PubMed Abstract].[Google Scholar]

Everly, George, Strouse, Douglas, McCormack, Dennis. Stronger: Develop the Resilience you need to Succeed, New York. Kindle edition, 2018. pp.265–266

2 Problem Solving Killers

By John Intentional Living, Leadership, Optimism, Overcoming Fear, Personal Growth

What is the most recent problem solving situation that you have personally faced in the past few days?

How did it turn out?

Did you know that one trait of a person who is living a resilient life is the ability to problem solve and make good decisions?

I don’t know about you, but it seems that in the past few years with the rise of smartphones, tablets, and social media we are overwhelmed with choices which have lead to real problems for some people and that is in the are of decision making and problem solving.

There seem to two primary mindsets that keep people from dealing with the stuff in their lives. At least from my observations after living on this blue marble for over six decades.

The first is the Big D word, Denial. People that choose to live in this lane of life tend to deny the impact of problems and issues in their lives at all costs. They do their best to live in the delusional state of denial because they are scared spitless of seeing the reality that is right in from of their eyes. Because of this mindset, they develop finely tuned skills to avoid some of the tough things in life.

So where do you think this type of living leads a person? Well, in my opinion, this denial mindset will lead you down a twisted path of insecurity, anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustrations, jealousy and a whole lot more of yucky stuff.

The second mindset of people who avoid dealing with life issues is that of being a perpetual victim. While this mindset has been around for thousands of years, it seems to be enjoying a new surge in this modern age.

The Victim mentality. People with this mindset choose to believe there is not a single that they can do to solve a problem or deal with their stuff. When, in more cases than not, they could. I have said this before, but it is like some people want to play emotional pin the tail on the donkey. They are continually seeking ways to blame either others or circumstances for all that is going wrong in their lives.

While it might give the person choosing to be a victim a little bit of relief, it will ultimately lead to anger, emotional impotence, learned helplessness and despair.
Why do so many people choose to swim in the river of denial or attempt to pin the emotional tail on the donkey by blaming circumstance on others?

The simple reason, I think is because there is a quick payoff. It gives them a rush, a buzz, and maybe some relief to push the responsibility off on someone or something else. It is a quick fix that allows the person, at least for a moment to escape life’s problems as opposed to seeing problems as an invitation to growth, and change to learn something and maybe experience grace and goodness.

Let me ask you a question.

What do you do when it comes to dealing with some of the problems that come from being a human? Do you run from them, deny them, or blame your parents, upbringing, your ex or your diagnosis? Your answer will determine whether your life will be enriching, rewarding or bland and mundane.

In my counseling and coaching practice, one of the first questions I ask a client is something along the lines of how can I help you? The replies usually sound “I want to be happier. I want more peace in my life. I want to be more successful. I want to improve my relationships.” All of these are worthy goals.

Typically, after we talk about that for a few minutes, at least to the point that I feel I have some understanding, I will they ask something like, “What are you willing to do to get it? What are you ready to change? What problems do you anticipate and how will you deal with it?

At this point, things seem to come into clear focus.

I remember a few years ago I was asked to be on the faculty of a writer’s conference at the Glorieta Christian Writer’s Conference at what used to be the Glorieta Baptist Conference Center. Part of my job was to visit with hopeful writers and authors about their dreams. Needless to say, it was a blast being able to participate in such a great event.

I remember, one of the benefits of attending this conference is that every day the staff would meeting in this large room to visit with and listen to aspiring writer’s pitching their book ideas. This was always an exciting and impressive time to meet these people, listen to their stories and proving encouragement, maybe even some further networking opportunities.

And then I began to pick up on a trend. I spoke in a massive group session on the second day and when people realized that I was a licensed professional therapist I was inundated with potential authors who wanted to tell me of their travail of abuse, and neglect. As I listened to some of these stories I begin to feel like I was back in my office as a therapist. Not a great place to be when you are providing the types of services we were at the Writer’s Conference. At dinner that evening I was processing this sudden increase in authors wanting my input to their stories with a couple of older, female authors that I really respected. Their insight was invaluable. Luckily I’d asked several of the women who’d shared their story idea with me to check back with me the following day.

Here is how it went.

Five of the ladies came back the next day, as well as a few whom I’d not yet met.

I made sure I was listening and tracking each of these unique and painful stories that these potential authors were sharing with me. And then I would say something like, “Would you like my input and suggestions? To a person, they all said yes. Here was my reply.

I want you to look around this room and see how many women are here. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center 1 in five women and one in 71 men have been raped at some time in their life. One in three women and one in six men have experienced some type of contact sexual violence in their lives. And then I would say something like, “what makes your story different? In most cases, when I asked this, I would receive a shocked look of anger, and if stares could kill, I would have died 15 times that day. Fortunately not one of the emerging heroes bailed on me.

After I made that statement, I’d keep quiet and hope that they would ask a follow-up question and they did. After the initial shock of my statement they would ask, so what did I need to do.

This is the essence of what I told them. I would start off by telling them how proud I was that they were making a bold choice to share their story, but that to separate their story from everybody else they had to share how they addressed the problem of abuse and how they overcame it. I suggested before they wrote another word in their transcript that they exam what they were learning. In marketing terms, which you might feel is a little harsh, what was their unique selling point.

What was the principle, purpose, promise or prayer they were learning or had learned as a result of no longer denying their abuse and no longer blaming others for how they were dealing with the abuse?

I have to tell you the truth here, I did not want to hurt any of the women, but at the same time I wanted to challenge them to dig deep within and write their story of how they, with God’s help, found the courage to face their challenges and move from being a victim to an overcomer.

Over the next twelve to eighteen months I heard from several of these writers who thanked me for my comments. Two of them invited me to read and comment on their drafts, and a few of the others sent me notes and emails regarding my gently calling them out. I have to tell you, these women dared to not buy into the Denial Trap or the Blame Trap. And while there is a special place in Hell for people who sexually abuse other people, these ladies absolutely refused to let the perpetrator win.

These writers wanted a better life. They were beginning to understand that real, honest, long-term fulfillment comes through how we choose to confront and manage our struggles.

To be clear, I am not talking about “no guts no glory” or “no pain, no gain.”
Instead, how we face and manage our struggles, in large part determine our happiness and our success in this present life.

My wife says it best, “We are either in a struggle, coming out of a struggle, or preparing for a struggle.”
I think she is right on target. How about you? How are you managing the problems that come at you in your day to day life?

Ancient Wisdom
“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess the perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus is calling us.”
Philippians 4:12-14 NLT

Be sure to read my next post, when I will talk about a third way to deal with problems, which I call resilient decision making.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

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