How to Use Faith and Resilience to Cope with COVID-19

The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
James Milton

In this post, I am going to show you how to use faith and resilience to cope with COVID-19.

In the past few weeks, have you noticed that viscerally uncomfortable churning in your gut? I have, you see, I am an extrovert hand shaker and hugger who is adjusting to nods and elbow rubs. Not only that, but I am also reminded that I am elderly (68), honestly on most days, I don’t feel it. Also, I have at least one of those “conditions.” Thankfully I am a long-term minded investor, so I am not going to be jumping off any bridges. I have been blessed to learn how to use faith and resilience to cope with COVID-19. I am also practicing the guidelines provided by the CDC and re-enforced by the Governor of New Mexico.

As we enter this season of Easter, it will be one of the most unusual ones that we have experienced in my lifetime. With Easter, for my Christian friends, comes a sense of hope and new life. With that in mind let’s take a look at faith, resilience, can help you cope with COVID-19

So how are you doing? Are you connected with others, or are you sliding deeper into loneliness and isolation? If you are linking, either with appropriate social distancing or connecting with ZOOM, DUO, FaceTime, or other apps, then good job! If, on the other hand, you are sliding deeper into loneliness, fear, and isolation, Don’t please! Stop it!

One of the downsides of learning to live in this new world is the necessary social distancing that we must do, at least for the short-term.

One of the dangers of both the social isolation and the visceral discomfort of our current situation is the fact that the virus has been like the invisible Boogey Man moving across the world. Its impact is fundamentally changing business, lives, borders, social interaction, and fueling that deep fear of having very little control over our current environment.

If you and I are not careful, we could allow all of these negatives to overwhelm us.

The GOOD NEWS, it does not have to be that way.

One of my psychology professors, who grew up in West Texas, used to say, “Nothing stays in your head rent-free. You are the one who feeds it, so what are you going to feed it? Nutrients or trash!”

Simple, but profound, isn’t it. I love farmers and ranchers, they cut through all of the BS and gets to the heart of the matter.

A few years ago, I had an excellent young graduate student client who resisted this notion and told me that she just didn’t see things this way. She had been abused by a family member and seemed to be stuck in her pain. She was continually blaming herself and being “the victim.” Every time she told her story, he won!

One day, she wanted to debate the issue, which I gladly invited. After she made her case, I asked her one question.

Here it is.

If I were a good friend and came to your home with a bag of smelly trash, you know, a bag that had been cooking in the trash can for a few days, would you allow me into your apartment? She looked at me like I was possessed! Then she said, “No way! Not unless you leave the trash outside, or even better put it in the trash can next to the house.

At that point, she broke out in a deep and long laugh and said, “Ok, point made!”

That was a real turning point for her. We still had a lot of work to do, but this was a critical turning point.

She began to take back her power. She realized that she had no control over what happened.

But she did control how she dealt with it.

Since that time, and it has been a few years, she continues to help people who have been abused. Helping them move out of being a victim to becoming an overcomer.

I know that some of you may be feeling dogged by depression, or maybe feeling arrested by chest tightening, racing thoughts of anxiety, and might be feeling overwhelmed.

Let me encourage you to tap the brakes. Slow the thoughts and shift your focus. I know it might be hard to do, but look at your options! Stay focused on depression and anxiety, and, well, you know it wants to get you anywhere happy. Or, shift gears. It won’t be easy, but you can do it.

You see, in times like these, those who learn to manage their thought life will allow their own resilience to grow.

The outer world of circumstance shapres itself to the inner world of thought, both pleasant and unpleasant externat conditions are factors that make for the ultimate good of the individual. As a reaper of his own harvest, man learns both by suffering and bliss.
James Allen

In other words, those internal conversations that you and I are holding with ourselves in the privacy of our minds are shaping our destinies, enforcing or lowering our autoimmune systems, and either enforcing our faith or are weakening it. With every single thought that is racing through your brain, you are actively reshaping your future. Only you will determine if that will be a good outcome or not.

What you think today will either move you in the right direction of your God-given potential or detour you from it.

The Apostle Paul reminds us in Romans 12:2, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” NLT

The sad truth is that many people attempt to change their situation on their own power when they should be asking for the Almighty’s assistance. God wants to help you renew your mind. When our mental focus is set in the right direction, your perspective will change, and you will sense God’s purpose, presence, and power in the particular circumstance that we find ourselves in.

With that in mind, here are five things you can do to enhance your faith, strengthen your personal resilience. Resilience – Is the ability to rapidly and effectively rebound from psychological, spiritual, and behavioral uneasiness and anxiety associated with critical incidents, acts of terror, pandemics, mass disasters, and personal trauma.

1. Faith – the belief that God is on your side, and that He does not make any junk. Faith that he who started a good work in you will fulfill it. Faith that God is the God of second chances. As a growing, sometimes struggling Christ-follower, I sometimes waver at this point. In my head, I know the truth, but sometimes my heart is resistant to trust.

2. The support of real friends, friends, and coworkers will both love and challenge you, friends, that will hold you accountable. We live in a unique time in history, on the one hand, we have more connectivity to each other than any time in history, thanks to smart devices and social media. The paradox is that more people are struggling to connect with face to face relationships. Here is a prophetic word from Albert Einstein, “I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” Does that sound like a prophetic statement to you?

Leonard Sweet, a Methodist theologian, shared an interesting comment on his Facebook page recently, “Those born after 1985 have no memory of life before the internet. Those born before 1985 are the last remnants who have memories of living on both sides of the digital divide. One the one hand, we have digital immigrants and on the other digital natives.

I love technology; it is a big part of how I do my private coaching and consulting business. One of the bonuses of living in these current times is that we can connect with families, friends, and even medical professionals literally at the click of a button. On a personal note, I am thankful for a lot of the younger folks in my life who are showing me how to use things like ZOOM! I know, it’s simple. Right!

Do what you need to do to stay connected to your support systems the synergy of being intentionally connected will not only help you, but it will build up those that you are connected with.

3. Time – You did not get this way overnight, and you will not be done with it within the next three weeks. The good news is that you have started the journey by picking up this resource.

A good friend of mine is a pastor of a growing, dynamic church gave an excellent illustration of this principle.

Farmers and gardeners understand time. When they are planting corn, they have a series of things that have to happen in a specific order. First, they have to prepare the soil. Then plant the seed in a place where they will receive full sun. If the soil conditions, weather, and plant care all work together, you will have corn in 60 -100 days, depending on the variety.

When they let nature take its course, they will reap a harvest.

My pastor friend then said, “People we need to remember this! When dealing with life issues, many people want an immediate answer and become disappointed that God does not do something immediately. May I give you a word of advice? Pray about the issue. Then do your part to make the changes. Let’s look at the miracle of Jesus feeding the 5000.

Late in the afternoon, the Twelve disciples came to him and said, “Send the crowds away to the nearby villages and farms, so they can find food and lodging for the night. There is nothing to eat here in this remote place.”

However, Jesus said, “You feed them.”

“But we have only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered. “Or are you expecting us to go and buy enough food for this whole crowd?” 14 For there were about 5,000 men there.

Jesus replied, “Tell them to sit down in groups of about fifty each.” 15 So the people all sat down. 16 Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread and fish to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. 17 They all ate as much as they wanted, and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftovers! Luke 9:10-17

Jesus did not make the food appear out of thin air; he has something to work with. As you work on pushing back fear, realize time and God are on your side, but you have to take action.

It is going to take some time to enter into the new normal as the impact of COVID-19 continues, just remember to follow the CDC guidelines, be optimistic, and look for ways to serve others while maintaining social distance.

4. An optimistic worldview. Now I am not talking about pie in the sky, but a worldview that has a future-focused path. It means that I am not condemned by my past failures, I am not regulated to what I am going to do with my life, based on some test, skill set, or family heritage. It means that I have a future that I can choose, and with God’s grace and work, I can have a different life.

Over the past several years, the Lord has allowed me the joy of traveling all over the world. I have been in Asia, Europe, the Middle East, and Africa, and one of the overwhelming truths that I have experienced is that we in America are blessed beyond measure, and we can pursue our dreams. I can tell you from first-hand experience-there is not another place like this great country.

You have the power, ability, and opportunity to improve your life if you are willing to take the risk.

5. The “I am better than the average bear” attitude. I remember hearing a couple of poignant definitions of average. The average is the best of the worst and the worst of the best. Another interpretation was that average is the cream of the crap.

Speaking for myself, I have never wanted to settle for average. Now, I am not the brightest bulb in the box, but I make up for it by being creative and finding ways to be unique and different

As you look at pushing back depression, anxiety, or other life issues, I want you to realize that you are intentionally designed to leave your mark in the world. Here is my question for you: Are you going to let fear, depression, or anxiety keep you from having a more significant impact on God in your life and the life of others?

Are you going to be stifled by the current crisis, or are you going to be more resilient with God’s help?

Do not fear, instead be vigilant!.

Use these times to increase your faith and strengthen your resilience as we confront and overcome the daunting task of defeating COVID-19!

Links to some helpful reads:

For a Free Cabin Fever Tip Sheet, Text the word Cabin Fever to 33777

For a Free Self Care Tip Sheet, Text the word Self Care to 33777

Stronger, Dr. George Everly

The No Fear Entrepreneur, John Thurman

Get a Grip on Depression, John Thurman

Call to action:

Be on the alert for an online learning experience that I am finishing up: Tactical Stress Management 2020.

Also, as a reminder, I do provide counseling and coaching, via ZOOM, Phone, DUO, and Facetime.

I always appreciate your comments.

COVID-19! 12 Ways You Can Push Fear Back!

By John Uncategorized

COVID-19 12 Ways to Push Fear Back — Refuse to be captivated by fear!

COVID-19! Can you feel the fear that word brings? In this post, COVID-19, I will show you 12 proven ways you can push back fear!

Like it or not, COVID-19 will be a part of the news cycles for weeks and months ahead. It is what it is. But, as for me, I refuse to waste too much time getting “the latest update. How about you? My friend, Dr. Tom Barret has some thought-provoking zingers from time to time. A few years ago, we shared a stage and one of his lines that stuck in my mind like the caliche clay of southern New Mexico, or the beautiful red mud in Middle Georgia. Here it is,

“Don’t get distracted by the bugs on your windshield if you do you are going to have a wreck!

Friends, the threat is real, as we have been given clear, scientifically-based things to do. Wash your hands, as we used to say in the Army, “maintain proper intervals” (social distancing), hang around your living space, only go out for necessary items.

You get it, I know.

With all that is happening, I wanted to share with you some proven, scientific, and biblical principles that will help you keep your stuff together, and who knows, maybe help someone else!

Ever wondered what you could do to increase your resilience and feel more connected to life?

Dr. Dennis Charney is the dean of the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York. The sixty-seven year- old is the king of resilient studies in North America. Also, he survived a shotgun blast from attempted murder in 2016. In his years of research and collaboration, and most recently in his recovery, he has developed and what he calls the Resiliency Prescription. Here is a brief outline of it, as well as some scriptures that support his points.

1. Practice optimism – some people are “born optimists,” others are “trained optimists.” You would think this would be a no-brainer for people of faith. Studies show that resilient people have a realistic appraisal of what is going on around them, but they choose to believe that tough times will pass. The key is to stay positive and hopeful while confronting the reality of a given situation. Here is a link to one of my articles on Optimism

On a personal level, I am concerned about the impact of COVID-19, socially, spiritually, and financially, but at the same time, in my heart or hearts, we are going to come out of this crisis stronger.

For the record, when you practice optimism, you are not being unrealistically positive, but you are being in a state of mind—a way of thinking and behaving that is strength-based and forward-looking.

2. Find a resiliency role model – someone who has done it. It can be a biblical character, a historical figure, or someone you respect. If you have ever read any good stories from the Iliad to a Marvel Comic or stories from Scripture, you have been exposed to resiliency models. It is what epic literature is all about. A good person falls on bad times, gets tested, almost gives up, a guide comes along and points the way, the subject of the story overcomes the challenges, and become a model for others.

Who models resilience for you? If they are alive, send them a handwritten note thanking them for their input.

3. Develop a moral compass and firm beliefs. For me, the Old and New Testament provide a clear direction. After all, if we could live by the Ten Commandments, life would be different. Instead, we live more like it was the Ten Suggestions, picking and choosing which ones we want to follow.

Joshua 1:7-8 has been a favorite verse of Scripture for millions of Jews and Christians for thousands of years and best summed up the importance of having a moral compass and firm beliefs.

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning to the right or left. Then you will be successful in all that you do. Study this book of instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all that you do.” (NLT)

Faith is an essential part of this. It means that you are learning to trust that God has a plan for your life and will look after you. You have a growing belief that a power more significant than you will guide you through the storms of life. You are learning to see the Lord as an active participant in your life.

4. Practice generosity and kindness – an unselfish concern for others, being kind-hearted, philanthropic. One way of doing this is to say things like please and thank you. Another way is to find a way to share your resources with causes you care about. The greedy side of human nature has been part of the daily news cycle, particularly in regards to toilet paper, and other commodities. I have to confess, I did get a big smile when COSTCO and other outlets suspended their liberal return policies regarding toilet paper and other things that people have hoarded. If you bought it, you get to keep it for a long time.

As for us, I have always try to keep some stock on hand. This week one of Angie’s 78-year-old friends asked her to do some shopping for her. Angie could not find any TP, so we shared it with her.

Folks, this is a great time to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

5. Develop acceptance and cognitive flexibility, meaning the ability to learn and adapt your knowledge and thinking to new situations. One of the lessons I have had to learn the hard way is if you refuse to be flexible, you can become broken.

6. Face your fears and learn to control negative emotions. I’d refer back to the past several articles on overcoming fear. We are all stressed more than we were two or three weeks ago. Acknowledge it, embrace it, and learn ways to manage it, but don’t pretend like it is not there. Why? If you don’t handle it, it will take a profound price from you. Here is a link to an article on Becoming AWARE to Overcome Fear.

7. Build an ever-expanding tool chest of active coping skills to manage stress. I cannot begin to tell you how important this is. One of the exciting things about our modern-day technology is the wide variety of things you can use to help manage your stress. One of my favorites is Tactical Breather. Inc Magazine has an additional 13 Best Apps for Managing Stress.

8. Establish and maintain a supportive social network to help you. My workgroup and I are scattered all over the US, and we are all now WAH specialist (Work at Home) one of the things we are doing is having Zoom Team Meetings twice a week, on our computers and smart devices. Cameras are on as we check in on each other.

Personally, I am checking in with friends on FB, email, and writing handwritten notes.

Dr. George Bonanno’s research, in his book The Other Side of Sadness, points out one of the ways that people and cultures move beyond trauma, natural disasters, depression, and other life events is through a community, family, and other networks of people that give us courage, motivation, and shared history to move forward. His research also reveals how important family, friends, and community are in dealing with depression.

9. Stay physically fit. Dr. Oz suggests starting out with walking 30 minutes a day. It is a start. While we are pretty much in a restrictive environment due to social distancing, when you can get outside and walk around Spring is arriving, take a moment to smell it, feel it, and experience it.

10. Laugh deep and often. Whether it be some “Old School Comedy” like the Three Stooges or more modern comedians like Steve Harvey, Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, Chonda Pierce, Robin Williams, Jenna Kim Jones, and Michael Jr., be sure to find something or someone that can help you keep life on the light side.

I am proud of my southern heritage, one of the things that I have learned to appreciate over the years is the way some folks use humor. Please check out Ginger Billy’s Video! If should give you a great laugh.

As sad as the loss of Robin Williams is, his humor and zany impressions, and his care for people will live on through the volume of work that he created over his life.

Proverbs 17:22 – “A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” (NLT)

11. Wash Your Hands! Wipe Down Your Surfaces!

12. THINK! St. Paul says Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8 NLT

Dr. Charney shared the most-surprising insight of his career is “the hidden capacity that most people to rebound from adversity.”

One ancient Latin phrase says it best, Plus est en Vous.” There is more in you!”

Lean into life today.

And take a moment to reflect on one of Saint Patrick’s famous prayers.

“Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.”

Taking it one day at a time.

John

I would love to hear how you are doing in these tough days. Please leave a comment.

6 Ways to Grow In Gratitude this Thanksgiving

By John Gratitude, Holiday Stress, Thanksgiving, Uncategorized

Thanksgiving with the Electric Strawberry (25th Infantry Division)

“Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” C.K.Chesterson

A SPECIAL NOTE: I am thankful to be an American, I am thankful to be a Veteran, and I am grateful for the men and women who will not be with their families this Thanksgiving because they are protecting us on the land, on the sea, and in the air. God bless our service members.

Did you know that one of the most significant and cheapest things you can do to enhance your mental and spiritual health is to have an Attitude of Gratitude? I am going to show you 6 ways to increase your capacity for gratitude this Thanksgiving.

It is the beginning of Thanksgiving week, which leads to Black Friday and the insanity of the Holidays. In the next few posts, I hope to give you some proven, practical tools and tips to lower your stress, increase your mental health, build your resilience and enhance your spirituality.

The word thanks is rooted in the Hebrew word yada is a verb meaning to acknowledge, give praise, or to give thanks. The English root comes from the Latin word gratus, which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. The main idea is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible.

Did you know that modern research has proven time and time again that gratitude is continuously connected with greater happiness and an optimistic outlook? Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, savor good experiences, improve overall health, deal with adversity, and enhance relationships.

You and I tend to feel and express the idea of gratitude in multifaceted ways. We can apply to the past (reflecting on positive memories and being thankful for elements of childhood or past blessings). Regarding the present, we stay in the mindset of not taking good things for granted. And as far as the future is concerned, gratitude helps us maintain an optimistic, hopeful, future-focused view of life and work.

Six ways to grow gratitude

Gratitude is a great way to refocus on what you have instead of what you lack. Honestly, sometimes you may feel like you are faking it, this mental state grows stronger as you use it.

Write a thank-you note. This is one of those things you can do today that has an immediate payoff. Right now, think of someone who would love to receive a personal note. Maybe a spouse, a child, a co-worker, a friend, out a person of influence in your life. By the way, this is a great way to nurture relationships. The best way is the old school way, paper, pen or pencil, envelope, and stamp. Send it, or if possible, deliver it and read it in person. I think you will be amazed at the results.

Thank someone personally. Whether it is the clerk at the grocery store, your waitress, a neighbor, a family member, or a mentor, look them in the eye and let them know that you are grateful for them.

Keep a gratitude list. In my years of private practice, one of the regular assignments that I would give to my patients struggling with depressions or anxiety was to develop a gratitude list. By taking a few moments every day to jot down things that you are thankful for, increased the positive release of good brain chemicals and helps you feel better.

Count your blessings. “Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings, see what God has done…” are words from a hymn I remember from my childhood while attending the First Baptist Church of Fort Valley. It is an old song with modern psychological and spiritual implications.

Pray. Personally, I believe this old piece of Wisdom Literature captures this concept.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34 NLT

Meditate. In today’s culture, meditation is a common practice for stress management and overall wellness. The art of meditation has been around for centuries. In the Old Testament model, the focus of the mediation was on the character of God, the Word of God, or the actions of God in an individual’s life. In the New Testament, the focus is on actively engaging the mind in reflecting on applying Christ’s finished work to our personal lives. In contrast, much of modern meditative practices are based in an Eastern form of meditation: Zen meditation, transcendental meditation, yoga, Chinese or Hindu meditation, guided meditation: all of which have their origins in New age and Eastern religions.

Regardless of which form you use, meditation combined with an attitude of gratitude can help you experience a deeper sense of focus, gratitude, and blessings as we move into this Holiday Season.

I hope that you are able to experience a profound sense of gratitude as we move into Thanksgiving 2019.

Meaningful Intimacy, Want More?

By John Marriage & Relationships, Relationship Tips, Resilience, Resilient Marriages, Uncategorized

Have you ever blown it the arena of intimacy in your marriage? I have. There have been times when I have been a knuckle-dragging, selfish, and ignorant Neanderthal. I am thankful for my wife, who has extended grace as we have spent most of our 46 years together in a learning mode. In this post, I am going to show you how to have more meaningful intimacy in your relationships.

If you are feeling brave, I encourage you to take some time and read this post. It is a compilation of things that I have learned over forty-six years of marriage and over fifty thousand hours of counseling experience. I can guarantee you that you can enhance your relationship with more meaningful intimacy.

One of the foundational principles of building and maintaining a healthy, resilient, relationship is to recognize the foundations of meaningful intimacy and communication. It is not about technique, positions, or power, but about getting to know someone genuinely.

Dwight Bain, a long-time friend, therapist, and life coach shared some great thoughts in a recent presentation which I would like to pass along. It sets a good starting point for this article. Dwight was addressing married couples, but the points he makes are crucial to developing any romantic relationship.

There are so many failed marriage stories in the headlines it can make you wonder, “Is an intimate relationship even possible anymore?” and if so, “How do you get one?” It seems that some couples quickly move from being fired up with a romanticpassion to wanting just to fire each other as a bully boss does to an exhausted employee.

It’s no wonder people are more cautious about opening up their hearts to another person. It might be because they have likely witnessed the process of intense romantic chemistry quickly eroding into hateful rejection and ugly conflicts.

Everybody talks about genuinely wanting a meaningful relationship where they are loved and accepted, yet few are willing to take the chance of being vulnerable or hurt again.

Genuine, meaningful intimacy is about seeing into the heart and mind of your mate. It’s learning to connect with them in multiple ways like feeling close, accepted, and loved on the inside no matter what kind of pressure might be happening on the outside.

To experience this kind of intense relationship, you need understanding regarding both sides of an intimate connection to grow to a new level of purpose and passion together. These different levels of connection reflect the differences between a cultural view of relationships where romance is the primary goal; and a long-term view of marriage where learning to connect together through the realities of daily life is joined alongside love to build intensity, regardless of the circumstances. You need both sides to make your relationship go the distance from short-term infatuation to create long-term success in your marriage.

Building a meaningful relationship and/or being married is a team sport; you either win together or lose together.

One of the keys to building meaningful intimacy is communication. Two-way communication that is based on respect, honor, and grace is essential for two people sharing a life together.

Two marriage researchers whom I have known over the years, Drs. David Olson and Peter Larson have discovered 10 things you and I can do to be better at communication and increase your menaingful intimacy.

1. Give full attention to your partner when talking. My wife gets very annoyed when I think I am listening, but I am distracted. My suggestion, turn off the phone, IPad, computer, or television and turn towards your partner.

2. Focus on the good qualities and be intentional about catching them doing good. People tend to rise or fall on our expectations when you are intentional about finding the good in someone they rarely disappoint.

3. Be assertive, not aggressive or passive. Share your thoughts, feeling, and needs. One way to do this is to the old therapist stand by, using “I” statements versus “you” statements. (e.g., “I worry when you don’t let me know you’ll be late” rather than “You are always late.”)

4. Avoid criticism. It is a relationship killer. I think William Arthur Ward hit the nail on the head when he said, “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you.” You can never share too much encouragement. If you must criticize, sandwich it with a least two positive comments. (e.g., “I appreciate it when you help out by cooking, the food is excellent. It would mean a lot to me if you could straighten up a little after you are done. Thanks again for dinner.) This is known as the sandwich method.

5. Listen to understand, not to judge. Two eyes, two ears, one mouth. Listening is all about trying to understand.

6. Use active listening. Summarize your partner’s comments before sharing your own reactions of feelings.

7. Avoid blaming each other at all costs. Instead, work together for a solution. There is energy when we accept responsibility and decide to work towards a mutually beneficial solution.

8. Manage your conflict. (I will give you ten steps for resolving conflict in my next post.

9. Seek counseling. If you are not able to have better results with your communication as a couple. Then take action. Enroll in marriage/relationship class, read a book together, see your pastor, priest, or get counseling if you need to.

10. Hit the pause button, slow down, catch your breath. Sometimes a dinner date, a night away from the house, a weekend escape can go a long way in lowering the stressors in a marriage.

One of the best ways to increase the frequency of physical intimacy is through solid communication. When men and women feel heard they usually are open to more intimacy.

What is intimacy? One definition of intimacy is it is an act of familiar expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, and love

I believe as a culture we have lost some of the essential components of intimacy by limiting it to just a physical response.

There has been some breakthrough research that shows which there are at least five different areas of meaningul intimacy! Take a moment and grade yourself in each area, then ask your partner to do the same.

The first is Intellectual Intimacy. On this level, couples are able to talk about current events, share ideas, laughs, and thoughts, even debate political and religious topics. They are able to participate in the exchange of thoughts and ideas jointly.

The second area of intimacy is Recreational Intimacy. This means there are some recreational activities that a couple enjoy together. It does not mean they do everything together.

The third area of intimacy is Social Intimacy. After decades of marriage, my wife and I realized that it is entirely okay for her to have her friends and me to have my friends as long as we share some “we” friends. Couple friendships can be an added bonus to a relationship by being a sounding board, providing feedback, and accountability.

The fourth intimacy area is Spiritual intimacy. While this area of intimacy is the most subjective, due to the various religious backgrounds & practices a couple may have, it is still an essential component. In my opinion, one of the most important because a growing relationship is at its core spiritual in nature. Spiritual intimacy is also a crucial factor when and if children become a part of the family.

The fifth and final level of intimacy is physical intimacy. Sexual expression is part of our hard wiring and can be both exhilarating and refreshing for a couple, in the right context. In recent years the primary focus has been primarily on physical intimacy. We have reduced physical intimacy into a series of positions and practices based more on applied physics than on building relationships.

Could it be that one of the reasons we see so many relationships falling apart is that we have failed to understand that intimacy works on several levels? If a relationship is based primarily on sexual expression, it is doomed to fail in the long run. However, if a couple can grow in their understanding of these different levels of meaningful intimacy, their relationship will experience growth in all areas. As you grow in these other areas, then sexual expression within your relationship will become more intense and meaningful. This is because it is based on getting to know your partner and being recognized by them.

So how can you have more meaningful intimacy in your life? Be mindful of the ten communication tips and the five levels of intimacy and how interconnected they are.

I’d love hearing your thoughts.

2019 Resolutions? Don’t!

By John 2019 New Year's Resolutions, Transition Points, True Success, Uncategorized

As we move into what could be a wonderful and exciting New Year I thought it would be fun to look at the traditional Top 10 resolutions and then give you some tips on how to be more successful in meeting them. These are from Statistic Brain.

Lose Weight/Healthier Eating
Life/Self Improvement
Better Financial Decisions
Quit Smoking
Do More Exciting Things
Spend More Time with Family/Close Friends
Work Out More Often
Learn Something New On My Own
Do More Good Deeds For Others
Find The Love Of My Life

NEWS FLASH! According to Statistic Brain, the average American has a 9.2 percent chance of keeping them.

But don’t lose hope!

A few days ago, I was on Facebook and saw a message that one of my friends had posted and it got me thinking. The quote simply said:

You are not born a winner.

You are not born a loser.

You are born a chooser!

So choose wisely!

The key to making and keeping resolutions is to have Sustainable Motivation and Energy. How do you do that? The key is to be clear about what you want, and why you want it. When you understand your “what” and your “why,” you will increase your chances of being able to experience success with some of your resolutions.

Michelle Segar, from the University of Michigan’s Center for Positive Organization has developed a practical way of streamlining this process.

Segar suggests four action steps to begin applying the Right Why to changes you want to make in 2018:

#1: Reflect

Consider your “whys” for initiating a lifestyle change, and ask yourself if it has symbolized that this change/behavior is a chore or a gift?

#2: Reset

Know that we’ve all been socialized to think about and approach “healthy” lifestyles from the same perspective, one that has turned them into medicine instead of the vehicles of joy and meaning that they truly are – let go of any sense of personal failure because the formula we’ve been taught sets us up for starting and stopping but not sustaining. People feel like failures, and this is very bad for motivation.

#3: Choose

Consider the specific experiences, that if you had more of them in your day, would lead you to feel better and drive greater success in your roles. Do you feel drained and need more energy? Do you need more time to connect with loved ones? Then pick one of these experiences – this is what the Right Why is – and identify what lifestyle behavior might deliver it to you. It’s important to focus on changing one behavior at once because the goal is to institutionalize it into our lives. Humans have a limited capacity for decision making so we must strategically use it as the limited resource it truly is.

#4: Experiment

Experiment with a plan for one week to see what happens, including the types of things that get in the way. Plan a date on your schedule to sit down and evaluate whether that behavior helped you realize your Right Why and also what you might want to tweak going forward. Because it’s an opportunity to learn, there is no failure. It’s about continuing to experiment with whys and ways to achieve them until you discover what works for you. From Sustainable Motivation for New Year’s Resolutions, by Chris White.

Here is ancient text to consider as you move into the New Year. It is found in Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT

I hope that 2019 is a year filled with opportunity, hope, and joy. May God Bless

A Man’s Guide To Valentine’s Day Shopping

By John Intimacy, Marital Intimacy, Marriage & Relationships, Uncategorized

Want to build a happy, resilient relationship? If you answer is yes, then continue to read.

We are into February, and we all know that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.

So guys, for heaven’s sake, get your shopping done before Feb. 14. If you wait too late, the roses will be wilted, and the selection of cards and chocolates will be pretty much picked over. It seems simple enough, but how many times have we men suffered from procrastinitis (my word), a condition related to waiting until the last minute to shop for your wife or girlfriend. Good news: There is a cure – buy early!

Waiting to purchase her a last-minute gift is not a good thing for your health or maybe even your life! It sends a message that you don’t see her as a high priority. It lets her know that you don’t know who she is and what she likes.

Here are five guy tips that will help you in your Valentine gift selection:

If you buy chocolate, make sure you don’t get it at the grocery store or the pharmacy. Buying high-quality chocolate shows her how special she is. You need to know if she likes milk chocolate, dark chocolate, soft centers, assorted nuts or just plain chocolate. Hint: One of my favorite Chocolatiers in Albuquerque is Theobroma Chocolatier.
I spent part of my young life helping my mom out at her florist shop. It was always interesting to see stressed-out men coming into the shop on the 13th or 14th of February hoping Mom could work a miracle. She usually did.

Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to pick up flowers at a florist shop or grocery store. A quick way to earn extra points, spend a few extra dollars and have them delivered to her work site or home.

Women have this incredible quality: While the other women at her workplace will ooh and ah over the flowers you sent your spouse, they will walk away with envy, wishing their man had done the same.

When looking for a card, try to avoid the “I know I don’t say it enough…but I do love your card.” I promise she will not be impressed. Instead, you might ask one of the women at the store to help you pick the right card. Make your card purchase based on words she would like to hear. For an additional bonus, write a short hand-written note of love and appreciation.
Help your kids select a card or gift for their mom.
You do have permission to get your wife some cute, flattering pajamas. Just don’t buy anything too revealing, flamboyant or trashy. If you decide to get something on the naughtier side, just make sure she has pre-approved it. Or better yet, ask her to go with you. Remember the gift is for her.

I enjoy feedback, so leave me a coment and let me know your thoughts, or even better if you have a good story feel free to share it.

Get a Free Chapter of my new book, The No Fear Entrepreneur by signing up for my email list by going to www.johnthurman.net

Recalibrate or Stagnate: The Choice is Yours!

By John Intentional Living, Resilience, Self-improvement, Transition Points, Uncategorized

How are those New Year’s resolutions going? In the interest of full disclosure, I am at about 60%, which, at least for me is not too bad.

The New Year is a time when so many of us consider making some changes in our lives; some people are looking to make some small changes others are looking to recalibrate, to reinvent themselves.

On the downside 80% of us will abandon most of those resolutions by mid-February, but what about the 20% that do keep them. So what are some ways to maintain those decisions, to recalibrate?

Resolution makers who have a measure of success move from thinking about making some changes to doing what it takes to make them hold. They intentionally move from a contemplative stage to an action stage.

Most of us have excellent ideas, ideas that will work. It might be to write a book, start a business, make some personal changes, or to suggest some changes in the workplace. The issue is that most of used a pretty lousy job of doing what it takes to execute those ideas. I know in my life, this has been an area of struggle.

I recently read an excellent article on medium.com by John Manshi titled, Only Three Ways to Reinvent Yourself.
He says, “When you are looking to reinvent yourself, you need to realize that you only have two choices, change or die. I will not be physical death, but the death of a vision, or the end of a dream.”

Manshi discusses three types of reinvention, recalibration and they are the reactive reinvention, the proactive reinvention, and the reflective reinvention.

In my personal and professional life, I have experienced all three of these. Some of these recalibration phases were very difficult resulting in job loss, a dynamic loss of income and some short-term personal challenges. Other recalibration phases have led to positive, kinetic changes in my life, business, and marriage. I hope that some of my life experience, as well as my years of working as a professional counselor, will give you some insight and tools to help you make the changes, rekindled the dreams and move forward.

In this series, I am going to show you how each of the recalibration strategies work and how you can take this information and continue to make the positive changes in your life, your business and your relationship.

So, what will you choose to do? Will you choose to stagnate or recalibrate?

Let me give you a personal invitation to join my email list to follow me in this series.

The First Christmas After A Loss

By John Holiday Depression, Overcoming Depression, Suicide, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized

Helpful tips for people facing their first Christmas after a loss.

Are your Christmas lights up? Have you started your Christmas shopping? Have you reached your limit of Hallmark holiday movies?

Today, with the help of my grandson, our kitchen will be filled with the intoxicating aroma of two of the favorite holiday treats, sausage balls, and Martha Washington candy (recipes at the end). These are two of the extraordinary things my momma made for me as a kid, and even as recently as two years ago she made them for me and mailed them to me. While Connor and I prepared these two treats, the memory of my mom and will be very close to me as this will be my first Christmas without both of them this year.

My mom went to be with the Lord on December 2, 2016, and my Dad followed her six weeks later. Dad always told me that his mission was too out live mom so he could take care of her. He completed his task, and even though I miss both of them deeply, I choose to celebrate their lives and their legacy, while feeling the loss.

For many of us, this Christmas will be our first without a loved one, a daunting challenge that, if not monitored, could lead to a miserable holiday season.

As both a professional counselor and fellow struggler, I wanted to share a few things that might help you move through this Christmas season without feeling overwhelmed with the loss/es you may have experienced this past year.

Give yourself some time to feel the loss and grieve over the fact that that they are gone. Grieving takes time, just be careful that you don’t over-isolate.

Intentionally connect with friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers.

Find a way to help others. The Bible talks about this in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us with all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” NLT

Begin some new traditions.

Celebrate some old traditions, like Connor and I are doing today with our baking event.

Finally, let me invite you to read an excellent article by friend Danielle Bernock. Here are a couple of lines from this very insightful and helpful article.

Grieving is hard at any time of the year. But when it’s the season to be jolly, and you’ve suffered a loss the Ho Ho Ho feels like salt in a wound. How do you deal with the holidays when there’s a giant hole in your heart?

Cutting Down Holiday Stress

By John Faith and Hope, Faith Friendly Help For Depression, Holiday Depression, Overcoming Depression, Resilience, Stress, Stress Management, Suicide, Suicide Prevention, Surviving Hard Times, Uncategorized

Well, we are officially off to the retail madness of the Holiday Season with yet another Black Friday followed by Cyber Monday. As I pen this post, I am having a flashback about spending three Christmases managing a Christian Gift Shop in at the Macon Mall in Macon, Georgia. At the time, I was grateful for that chapter in my life, but I am glad is in my past.

For many people, this time of year is about as exciting as being told you need a root canal immediately. There are countless individuals feels an overwhelming sense of dread, worry, anxiety, exhaustion, and isolation. If you feel like this, you could be the victim of the Christmas Blahs, the Hanukkah Malaise, Kwanza Dullness, and for my neo-pagan friends, the Solstice Slump.

If you are someone who struggles with this time of the year, I am going to give you some mood lifting, stress-busting tips which could help bring joy into your life.

Sheila Moss (www.humorcolumnist.com) has a few great lines about Christmas.

Santa is watching; please do not do anything that will embarrass him.
The commercial spirit of Christmas is a mysterious force that causes people to max out their credit cards.
You cannot string more lights than your redneck neighbor.
The harder you try to diet, the higher the likelihood you will get candy for presents.
Famous last words-“I have plenty of time left to shop before Christmas.”

A friend of mine who has been a broadcast journalist was interviewing me a few years ago and asked me to come up with Twelve Stress-Busting Tips for Christmas. The good news, he gave me two hours to come up with them. Thankfully, they were a hit, and over the years I have adjusted them to be current. I hope these thirteen tips will help you enjoy the Advent season, lighten up your stress, and help you catch your breath.

13 Tips for Cutting Down Holiday Stress

1. Shop for the significant people first.

2. Stay active, move around, see the lights, do something to break up your routine.

3. Think before you speak. Consider ruling out all conversations which involve your job, health, marriage, the past, the future, or the present. Keep it “Holiday Light.”

4. Re-read the Christmas story, go to a Christmas musical, or even visit a church. For those of you who have not been to church and feel like the roof might collapse when you walk in-I have great news; churches have particular roofing material can handle the shock of your presence.

5. Stay loose; 21st-century families seem to always shift and change.

6. Look for and pray about creative solutions from problems that might arise during the holiday season.

7. Mom and Dad-let your married kids develop their own holiday traditions.

8. Take your medication, supplements, and vitamins.

9. Limit let eating and drinking be the focus of your Holiday gatherings.

10. Buy an Advent calendar, even if you don’t have kids-it is fun to open the tabs
.
11. Watch movies like The Christmas Star, or a Wonderful Life at least one time.

12. Take some time to be alone and reflect. Relax, catch a breath, smell the fragrances of the holidays.

13. Remember the “Reason for the Season.” The Gospel of Luke 2:11, “The Savior-yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! (NLT).

Would love to hear how you manage holiday stress! Please leave a comment.

Seven Secrets to Building Resilience in Your Marriage

By John Building Vision, Marriage & Relationships, Overcoming Fear, Stress Management, Success, Uncategorized

Resilience is the ability to resist the manifestations of clinical distress, impairment or dysfunctions that are often associated with critical incidents and personal trauma.

Dr. George Everly, Psychological Body Armor.”Last week Sara got so mad she threw her shoe at me. It missed my head by about three inches!” Larry said.”At the time I thought he deserved it,” Sara admitted. “But the fact that I could do that really scares me! I feel as if our marriage is in serious trouble.”While not every couple throws shoes—or anything else—that sense of uncontrollable anger is not uncommon for many couples regardless of creed, ethnicity, or social status. Unfortunately, some feel that the heightened level of emotion is the beginning of the end of their relationship.

In my more than 35 years of counseling and 45 years of married life, I’ve observed that how couples respond to an event such as Sara’s shoe-throwing can help them develop resilience, the ability to bounce back or recover quickly from change, misfortune, and unmet expectations.

As we explored their past ten years together, I knew that even though they were now in a difficult season, Larry and Sara had built resilience into their marriage. To create a resilient marriage, your commitment to the relationship must be stronger than your history, mood, or situation. Couples who are resilient have these seven qualities in common.

1. Resilient couples don’t fall prey to misconceptions about marriage.

One thing that can damage our resilience is the mistaken notion that a good marriage equals a calm and peaceful one. In the ten years, Larry and Sara had been married, five jobs, one miscarriage, five harsh financial seasons, four moves, and two adventure-filled boys had taken their toll. Not to mention the fact that they came from two different family styles: Sara’s parents were divorced. Her dad had cheated on her mom multiple times, and then abandoned the family when she was ten. Larry, on the other hand, grew up in an intact family—his parents are still together more than 40 years later.

As we talked, Larry nailed one of the great Christian misconceptions about marriage: “We had no idea how difficult marriage would be. If you listen to people at our church talk about their marriages, it would be easy to believe nobody has been through what we’ve experienced.”

It amazes me that in this day when marriage ministries and materials are so prevalent, couples still believe a great relationship will be a peaceful one. They often feel invincible, especially in the early stages of marriage. This can lead them to deny the impact of stress and family history.

Many couples mistakenly think that loving each other means always getting along. But conflict is an inescapable part of marriage if the couple expects their relationship to grow and mature.

2. Resilient couples find help when they need it.

Many couples “go it” alone—trying to deal with their issues without getting outside help from a trusted source who can offer biblical encouragement, guidance, and support. Those are typically the couples who end up with broken relationships.

Larry and Sara had always been involved in small church groups, which had been invaluable sources of strength when difficult circumstances such as miscarriage and job loss came along. But when they felt more “out of control,” such as Sara’s shoe throwing, they knew it was a signal to seek professional help.

3. Resilient couples remember the good things about their marriage and each other.

“He’s a good father to our boys,” Sara mentioned when I asked them to list each other’s good qualities. “And he’s patient. He puts up with my quirks.”

“I love how loyal and passionate she is,” Larry added. “Sometimes she goes overboard, but I know her heart’s in the right place.”

The longer we talked, the more relaxed they became. “We’re not quitters,” Sara said. “When I see how many of our friends have crashed and burned in their marriages, I’m glad we’ve hung in there.”

Larry looked embarrassed but said, “We had no idea what we could endure as husband and wife. But we still love each other.”

Resilient couples choose to focus on the good as opposed to camping out on the bad.

4. Resilient couples accept the differences in their personalities, views, and ways of getting things done.

Sara entered marriage fearing the sharp conflict she’d watched her parents experience, while Larry came expecting the intimacy and commitment he’d seen his parents enjoy. For several years, they acted out based on the marriage models and communication styles they brought with them.

Sara tended to over-talk everything. Then if she felt Larry didn’t “get it,” she’d become angry. “When I try to talk to Larry,” she told me, “he always seems to run and hide. He’ll either collapse in the recliner and be sucked into the television, or he’ll retreat to the computer room. When he does that, I feel like going ballistic, and sometimes do.”

Larry responded, “She has an opinion about everything, and when I don’t engage in the conversation, she gets heated, so I retreat. Then she throws a shoe at me!”

Men and women really do have different needs.

For guys, we want to feel competent and needed. We want to feel respected. One friend of mine used to say, “Men are like dogs, they need three things: someone to feed them, play with them, and occasionally say, ‘Good boy.’”

I encouraged Sara to be more mindful before sharing an opinion. She also became intentional about giving Larry positive feedback on things he did around the house and with the boys. She even began to find herself being more sexually provocative with him.

For women, the key is to help her feel valued and cherished. If she feels her husband can love her the way she is, then she feels more secure. When a man listens to his wife, without trying to fix her, for instance, he’ll be amazed to see how she can engage him physically. Larry noticed that as he listened intently to Sara, she actually talked less. He even began to buy her flowers, knowing how much she appreciated the gesture.

Sara and Larry became more focused on their communication styles and began to senseless tension and more hope. Larry was choosing to stay connected and not withdraw, and Sara was trying to lower her intensity level.

“We’re not the same,” Sara mentioned. “And I’m starting to appreciate the fact that that can be a good thing.”

5. Resilient couples develop and maintain an internal locus (focus) of control rather than an external focus.

I asked Larry and Sara to recount some of the difficult times in their marriage and how they got through. They told me that six months into their marriage, Larry lost his job. It could have been devastating, especially since Sara’s part-time job didn’t bring in enough money to cover their bills. When many couples would take out their frustrations, fears, and worries on their spouse, Larry and Sara decided instead to focus on the possibilities.

“We knew we loved each other,” Sara said. “It wasn’t Larry’s fault he was downsized. We weren’t sure how it would work out, but we believed Larry would find a job and that God would lead us through this difficult time. And he did.”

“So what keeps you two together?” I finally asked them.

“I love him and want us to get better,” Sara told me.
Larry agreed. “We believe God can and will help us work things out, but it’s tough.” They both took their marriage vows seriously and didn’t want to become another statistic. They hoped to survive this rough time and were committed to the process.

6. Resilient couples manage their emotions.

Larry admitted to me that he can be a “control freak” at times. Sara, on the other hand, is a “free spirit.”

As the weeks went by, Larry and Sara started to focus on their personal responsibility for their portion of the relationship’s troubles and move forward.

After Sara’s fourth overdrawn check, Larry had had enough. Instead of blowing up or withdrawing from her, which had previously proved unsuccessful, Larry took another approach. He waited for a couple of days so he could calm down. Having a measure of control over his emotions, he could talk to her in a calm, rational way and they were able to resolve their money issues.

7. Resilient couples reinterpret past failures and use them as growing points instead of perennial negatives.

In other words, they look at past mistakes to make positive, life-changing applications.

Sara admitted she felt she had to punish Larry with angry outbursts to get him to do anything. As she worked on her side of the responsibility equation, she realized some of her anger was rooted in bitterness toward her dad. So Sara began to pay close attention to the things that could trigger her emotions. In the course of our counseling, she was able to see the hurts for what they were and began to come to terms with the damage. In the process, her feelings about Larry grew softer.

Both Sara and Larry let go of the old hurts and took active measures to reconnect. Larry is “staying in the room” when Sara is struggling. Sara is feeling more secure in her relationship with Larry as she sees the changes he’s making. They use the words, I was wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you. Will you forgive me?

In the six weeks, they were in counseling with me, Larry and Sara were able to receive enough mercy and grace to forgive each other and make adjustments necessary to move forward
Today they report that shoes are no longer a weapon of choice, but something to wear.

Call to action:
Are you interested in getting help in your relationship? Feel free to email me: john@johnthurman.net

Comments welcome.

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