How to Comfort Someone After an Unexpected, Sudden Death

By: John Thurman

Introduction

 

How do you comfort someone who has just experienced the sudden and unexpected death of a child, spouse, or family member?

Since the Texas floods on July 4, 2025, I’ve been thinking about how to help others provide support to their friends. Visiting the flood-affected RV park and learning about the tragic

loss of two children and an elderly man in Ruidoso, NM, helped me gain clarity.

Whenever these events happen, the question that may come to mind is, “How can I help someone deal with such a loss?”

In this article, I’ll share helpful tips and a great resource to guide you in lovingly supporting someone after a sudden, unexpected death.

Supporting a family during such a difficult time requires sensitivity, empathy, and care. Whether you’re visiting for the first time, as a pastor, or as a ministry leader, here are some

best practices for your initial visit. When comforting someone who has lost a loved one suddenly, it can feel overwhelming. What do you say in such a heavy moment? Remember,

your presence and compassion matter most.

 

10 Principles for Supporting Your Friend Who is Grieving

 

Be ‘Prayed Up’: Pray for guidance, understanding, and discernment as you prepare. Spiritual readiness helps you serve better. 2 Corinthians 1:4 – “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” NLT

Offer Presence and Silence with Compassion: Often, the greatest gift is simply being there. Let silence unfold naturally to show the family they are not alone in their grief.

Speak Words of Genuine Comfort: Share heartfelt condolences sincerely, avoiding clichés. Gentle words like “I am truly sorry for your loss” can convey a great deal of compassion.

 Let Them Share at Their Own Pace: Remember, this is their sacred space. Invite them to share memories or feelings if they want, but respect their silence if they prefer quiet. Be patient and attentive.

Be the Arms and Feet of Jesus: Offer practical help—cooking a meal, buying supplies, running errands, hosting out-of-town guests, or helping with chores.

Create a Sacred Space for Grief: Allow tears, anger, lament, and silence to be part of the healing process. Reassure them that their feelings are valid and welcome.

Respect Cultural and Faith Customs: Be mindful of their religious and cultural traditions surrounding death and mourning, as they are crucial to the healing process.

Remember, prioritize presence over platitudes: Avoid clichés like “They are in a better place,” “God needed another angel,” “God won’t give you more thanyou can handle,” or “I know how you feel.” Instead, focus on being present and offering genuine empathy. It may feel awkward, but simple phrases like “I am so sorry for your loss” or “I am praying for you” can mean a lot.

Commit to Being There Over the Long Term: Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Most churches and friends do well initially, but staying engaged shows ongoing support and reflects God’s love.

Provide spiritual comfort when appropriate: Recommend praying together, reading scripture, or connecting them with spiritual resources for ongoing support.

Summary:

Visiting a grieving person with presence, empathy, and support can make a meaningful difference during their time of loss. Grief is unique, but your compassion and care can offer great comfort during someone’s difficult time.

 

Additional Resources

Link to John’s Podcast

Focus on the Family: Grieving the Loss of a Child

Compassionate Friends: The Sudden Death of a Child

The Gospel Coalition: Trusting God in the Midst of Tragedy

Dr. W. Lee Warren Podcast   (This is a powerful podcast, recorded on July 7th after the Texaw Floods) “When the Massive Thing Happens to Someone Else” 

 

 

About the Author:

              John Thurman is an ordained minister, retired Army Chaplain, and grief counselor with extensive experience in supporting individuals who have experienced sudden loss. For more information about John

 

Let’s begin a conversation in the comments.