Revitalize Your Marriage: 9 Myths You Need to Debunk Now!
By: John Thurman M.DIv., M.A., LCMHC
How’s your marriage today? Is it sizzling hot, lukewarm enough to brew iced coffee, or so cold you need a space heater to survive?
Today, I will help you make your marriage more resilient and revitalize your marriage by debunking the first three of nine marriage myths that may stand in the way of the fulfilling marriage you genuinely desire. This revelation will bring relief and ignite a spark of hope as we step towards that revitalizing goal together.
The initial idea for this three-part series came from Dr. Phil McGraw’s book Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner.
To revitalize your marriage, we must recognize that we often carry certain myths. The myths stem from various sources, including:
- Cultural narratives: Movies, TV shows, and print media
- Generational influences: Belief carried down from generation to generation
- Social media: Unfortunately, the curated lives shared online create their unique fiction
- Romantic ideals: The belief that love alone is enough to overcome anything.
With that in mind, let’s look at how to revitalize your marriage by debunking the first three myths.
Myth #1: A Great Relationship Depends on Complete Understanding
The reality? You’ll only get a glimpse of your spouse’s inner world of it as an intriguing Netflix series with an occasional plot twist! And remember, just because you might miss a few episodes doesn’t mean you can’t have a fantastic marriage.
Here’s the truth: you’ll only partially understand your spouse. But this is not just okay; it’s part of the exciting journey of a long-term marriage. Embracing these differences can bring a sense of optimism and open-mindedness, keeping things exciting and fresh!
You and your partner are different in so many ways—genetically, physiologically, psychologically, and even in your personal histories. The world has shaped you uniquely, and you have different learning backgrounds, priorities, and values. God will give you the grace to grow your understanding the longer you are together.
Biblical Thought:
Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.
Colossians 3:13-14 NLT
Myth #2: A Great Relationship Needs a Great Romance
I can almost hear you now: “Wait, are you saying wanting great romance is a myth?” Please don’t get me wrong-romance is incredible! But let’s be honest, chasing that Hallmark movie moment is like trying to find a CD without a scratch in a thrift store. Sure, the perfect person and golden-hour lighting sound fantastic, but life as a couple is more about the laughs, quirks, struggles, and spontaneous dance parties in your living room.
Here’s the scoop: Your life with your spouse should include excitement; sometimes, you both need to put in a little effort to be romantic. Go on dates like you did when you first met, and fill your life with unforgettable memories.
Have you ever had a picnic in your backyard or a nearby park? Just the two of you, no kids, no smartphones, making memories, and maybe even making out? Throw in some blankets and watch the stars come out after sunset. Be careful, though; last Summer, we were doing just that, and the mood immediately shifted into a minor crisis as my wife heard a little creature rustling through the leaves just above our heads.
So, why not be creative? It’s super romantic and a lot cheaper than dinner and a movie. Plus, you may score a few points on the snuggling and making-out front!
But let’s get real! As shocking as it may seem, being in love differs significantly from falling in love. I’ve spent countless hours in my counseling office, listening to couples say, “The thrill is gone. I don’t feel in love anymore. The spark is out.” They’re saying they miss that dizzy infatuation from when they first fell in love.
This situation is normal. The first phase of love, known as idealized or infatuation love, is complete with emotional, psychological, spiritual, and biochemical reactions. This phase can last a few weeks to two years and feels super addictive. Just think about all those love songs!
So, don’t get swallowed up in the myth that great romance has to be like the movies. Instead, create simple, beautiful memories together and enjoy the love that grows and changes over time.
In the real world, great romance can be as simple as caring enough to check where your spouse is when it’s late. It can be sharing breakfast in the morning, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, or snuggling spontaneously. Great relationships and great passion? It’s all about what you use to measure it. Success in romance means reshaping our idea of what “great” is in the everyday realities of our chosen life.
Biblical Thought:
“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NLT
Myth #3: A Great Relationship Requires Excellent Problem-Solving Skills
Let’s debunk another myth: you don’t need to be a problem-solving ninja to thrive in marriage. Trust me, after years of being married myself and counseling hundreds of couples, there were days I felt I was banging my head against the wall! Some folks weren’t getting it. Is this a relationship session or a potential pilot for a new TV series, Marriage Survivor? Here is the truth: If you and your partner can’t agree on everything, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is destined for the dump or divorce court. A healthy conflict might make for some entertaining stories later. Remember, you’re not alone in this.
All joking aside, many couples spend excessive time being consumed by problems. And from my personal experience as a husband, therapist, and relationship coach, it was frustrating trying to help couples with some of these issues.
Then, I discovered Dr. John Gottman’s research, which was a game-changer. His advice? Stop banging your head against those unsolvable problems and focus on the ones you can fix. This shift in focus can empower you and your partner, putting you back in control of your relationship.
After over fifty-two years of marriage and thousands of hours with clients, I’ve learned there are only two kinds of problems: the ones you can solve and those you can’t. The key to a happy relationship is knowing the difference.
Signs of Unresolved Conflict:
- Feeling Rejected: The conflict leaves you feeling like your partner doesn’t get you.
- Endless Talks, No Changes: You discuss the issue, but everything stays the same.
- Stuck in Your Ways: Both of you dig in your heels and refuse to budge.
- More Frustration: The more you discuss it, the more frustrated and hurt you both get.
- No Fun Allowed: Conversations about the problem are humorless and tense.
- Demonizing Each Other: You start seeing your partner as the bad guy, making your positions even more extreme.
- Emotional Disengagement: Eventually, you stop caring and emotionally check out.
Warning! If you notice any of these signs of unresolved conflict in your marriage, it’s crucial to seek help sooner rather than later.
This is a friendly reminder that not every problem comes with a neat little bow—sometimes, it’s more like trying to untangle your phone charger! Try to focus on the solvable problems! And remember, keep it light when you can because a bit of humor and understanding adds more love and resilience to your relationship.
Biblical Thought:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 NLT
Action Plan
So, there you have it! We’ve just debunked three significant relationship myths: the belief that a successful relationship is built on complete understanding, constant romance, and the need to be a problem-solving superhero. Now, it’s time to reflect. Have you been waiting for your partner to read your mind or expecting a Hallmark moment? It’s time to act! Take your partner, share a good laugh about it, and brainstorm how to tackle these myths together, maybe over a fun dinner or a cozy movie night. Remember, relationships are not about perfection but about teamwork. Let’s transform these myths into inside jokes and stories for the ages! Are you ready to create some unforgettable memories? Let’s do this!
I hope you found Revitalize Your Marriage: 9 Myths You Need to Debunk Now! Part 3 is helpful, and if it was, please share it.
Must click links:
Five Hot Tips to Keep Your Keep Love Alive John Thurman
Seven Secrets to Building Resilience in Your Marriage John Thurman
What Does it Take to Have a Successful Marriage? Marriage Builders
Commitment in Marriage – Focus on the Family
Contact Information:
John Thurman
www.johnthurman.net
john@covertmercy.com