By: John Thurman, M.Div. M.A., LCMHC
Welcome to Revitalize Your Marriage Pt 3! Excellent work making it this far! In this final segment, we will debunk the last three myths that might still hang around the kitchen table. We’ll tackle the myth that great relationships don’t involve sexual intimacy (FYI: It does!) and whether a relationship can withstand a partner’s flaws (Hint: We are all a little weird!). Plus, we’ll look at the myth that there’s only one right to make your relationship flourish. Let’s jump into my final installment of Revitalize Your Marriage Pt 3.
Myth #7: A Great Relationship has Nothing to do with Sexual Intimacy
. This myth often stems from misconceptions about the role of sex in a marriage. Let’s debunk this myth and understand the importance of sexual intimacy in a healthy relationship.
Don’t underestimate the power of sexual intimacy in your marriage! It’s not just a physical act but a way to open up and be vulnerable, allowing your partner to get close. It’s a necessary time out from the stresses of daily life and adds a level of closeness that’s super important. So, don’t let this aspect of your relationship fade, as the super glue strengthens and sweetens your marriage.
Some people think sexual intimacy dries up after a few years of marriage. Sure, having kids and work can damper things, but keeping the spark alive is still crucial.
When sexual intimacy fades, it might be a sign both partners need to work on some underlying issues. Sex is more than just a physical act; it’s a way to connect mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, too. In this context, sexual intimacy includes all forms of touching, caressing, holding, and any way to provide physical comfort.
Think of physical intimacy as the super glue that strengthens and sweetens your marriage. It is essential to keep this area of your marriage growing and thriving.
Studies even show couples in long-term relationships have more meaningful sex than single people. So, when the spontaneous passion takes a break, please don’t leave it to chance. If you want your sexual intimacy to be fantastic, work at it. This could mean scheduling regular date nights, exploring each other’s fantasies, or simply making time for each other. And for goodness’ sake, remember to bathe often!
Keep things fun and exciting. Plan date nights, surprise each other, and always make time for closeness. Your relationship will thank you!
Note: If either partner has experienced any sexual trauma, it is imperative to get professional help!
Focus on the Family: The Importance of Marital Sex
Better Married Sex: Shaunti Feldhahn & Dr. Michael Sytsma | FamilyLife Today
Myth #8: A Great Relationship Can’t Survive a Flawed Partner
Some might tell you if either partner is a touch ” crazy” or peculiar, having a healthy relationship is impossible. Well, I’m here to tell you those folks are wrong!
I’ve heard it all: “The person I married turned out to be crazy,” “He (she) was a nutcase,” or “After the wedding, they started acting bizarre.” But the truth is, everyone has their quirks, and some might even say we’re all a bit “crazy” in our ways.
When I worked as a therapist in a mental hospital, patients would often ask what made me different from them. My go-to answer was, “I either have the keys or know the key code to get out.” That usually got a laugh because the line between normal and abnormal is thin.
Think of someone you know—everyone has some unique characteristic or quirk. Even though it might not be obvious, we all have traits we wish were different. These traits shouldn’t scare you or dominate your thoughts about who your partner is.
Every single one of us has our own baggage. A term I like for this is ‘enduring vulnerabilities.’ These could be things like past traumas, insecurities, or personal struggles. We all have them. The secret to making a marriage work is to have a growth mindset and be willing to tolerate each other’s ‘crazy side’ while appreciating these vulnerabilities. Remember, it’s these little nuances that make life and love enjoyable.
We must understand and handle our partner’s enduring vulnerabilities with care, affection, love, and respect. As long as your partner’s quirks aren’t abusive or downright destructive, you can learn to live with them. However, if your partner’s behaviors are causing harm or distress, it’s essential to seek help from a knowledgeable, trusted, and experienced mental health professional.
Special Note: If your relationship involves severe mental or physical illness, depression, addiction, phobias, or PTSD, it’s essential to seek help from a knowledgeable, trusted, and experienced mental health professional. You might also want to check out community support and faith-informed groups, which can provide additional resources for you or your loved one.
Remember, we all have our moments! Embrace the quirks and find joy in the journey together. It’s these little nuances that make life—and love—enjoyable.
A great article from Focus on the Family -Your Spouse’s Flaws – How and When to Give Grace
Christianity Today – Get Thee a Flawed Wife
Myth #9: There is a Right Way and a Wrong Way to Make Your Relationship Great
Guess what? That’s Not True!
While the Bible does provide some solid guidelines for building a lifelong relationship, they’re wrapped in principles that work across cultures. There is no single “right” way to show affection, support each other, raise kids, deal with in-laws, handle arguments, worship God, or tackle life’s challenges.
What matters is finding ways to be together that work for you two. Whether it matches what your parents did, some popular book’s advice, or the latest talk show guru, it doesn’t matter! Ephesians 5:21 talks about being mutually supportive. That means finding unique ways to serve your spouse—not because you have to, but because you want to. So, don’t be afraid to carve your own path in your relationship.
Welcome to the finish line of Revitalize Your Marriage Pt 3! You have done a fantastic job, so give yourself another high five or even do a little happy dance. Let’s recap what we’ve uncovered and set you up with what I hope will be a fun and rewarding action plan.
First, remember sexual intimacy is not just a box to check- it’s the God-given super glue that holds your relationship together, keeping things solid and sweet. So go ahead and schedule regular date nights, surprise each other with tender little gestures, and make time for those special, intimate moments that keep the spark alive. Oh, and don’t forget to shower!
Next, embrace your and your spouse’s quirks. We all have our little bits of weirdness, and that’s one of the things that can make life enjoyable! Instead of attempting to hide those flaws, laugh about them and explore ways to connect on a deeper level.
Finally, toss out the notion that there’s only one right way to navigate your relationship. Each couple is unique, so experiment with what works for you. While the Bible gives us divine principles, it does not give us a detailed plan. However, God’s grace is available to help us along the way, providing us with the strength, wisdom, insight, and patience we need to navigate the complexities of marriage.
I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to leave a comment and maybe even start a discussion.
Action Plan:
This week, plan a fun date night, share a silly story about your quirks, and have a candid conversation about how you can enhance your intimacy. Do your best to keep the laughs and love flowing!
If you need help in this area of your life, contact me.
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