“The optimist sees the donut; the pessimist sees the hole.” Oscar Wilde
Sixty-nine percent of Your Problems are Unsolvable!
“Sixty-nine percent of your relationships are unsolvable! When I stumbled upon this eye-opening statistic in Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, my mind opened to a fresh perspective on finding lasting solutions to problems in my marriage and the lives of my clients! By the time you finish reading See Your Relationship Problems in a New Light, you will be able identify proven tactics to lower the stress in your marriage by simply changing your perspective.
Join me as I share a new way to look at your relationship problems, which can lead to lasting solutions. In this article, See Your Relationship in a New Light, we’ll explore the three types of challenges couples commonly face and provide practical steps you can take to bring positive change to your relationship.
My wife, clients, and I found comfort in realizing our relationship challenges are not unique. This understanding changed my perspective as a marriage counselor, and it can change yours, too. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.
This insight is not just theory; it’s an action guide designed to empower you to take control of your relationship dynamics.
When I talk to struggling couples, it often surprises them how many of their problems cannot be solved. It’s reassuring to know they’re not the only ones facing this. We spend so much time and energy arguing about unsolvable things. It’s like a puppy chasing its tail—pointless, making us feel tired and confused.
Are you ready to dive into how to see your relationship in a new light?
See Your Relationship Problems in a New Light: Chan Your Perspective
You see, perspective is everything. When you begin to realize and identify the types of problems you are facing, you can use the resources you have to deal with the issues you are ready to face.
Perspective separates a ‘challenge’ from an ‘adventure.’ Your outlook can make or break you, like choosing between a fresh salad or a green chili cheeseburger; one keeps you feeling light, and the other helps you feel satisfied.
When you step back and look at a situation from a different angle, it’s like giving the problem a reality check—and suddenly, it doesn’t seem so daunting anymore! This little shift can help you realize some relationship issues aren’t going anywhere.
Couples face three kinds of problems
#1 Solvable Problems
The first type of problem we encounter is known as “solvable problems.” These everyday issues can include everything from household chores and disciplining the kids to navigating sex and dealing with in-laws.
What’s interesting is that a problem that’s solvable for one couple might turn into a never-ending saga for another. Solvable issues usually stem from specific situations, meaning the conflict is simply about the topic, without any hidden emotional drama lurking beneath the surface.
For example, figuring out where to go for vacation, managing the monthly budget, or deciding on a fun date night are all solvable issues. The good news? Solutions are out there, and once you find them, they can bring lasting peace to your relationship—like agreeing on pizza toppings that satisfy everyone! #2 Perpetual Problems
The second type of problem is what we call “perpetual.” These pesky, unsolvable issues often revolve around fundamental differences in personalities, family backgrounds, or lifestyle preferences. Every couple has their fair share of these perpetual problems.
These issues often involve the same topics other couples might resolve. But here’s the kicker: while other couples may cuddle up and agree to disagree, you and your partner go around in circles, burning lots of energy but getting nowhere—like trying to fold a fitted sheet!
Here are a few examples of unsolvable problems:
- Frequency of sex (one wants or needs it more often)
- Spending habits (savers vs. spenders)
- Family ties (spends lots of time with the family of origin vs. highly independent)
- Socializing (wants to go out vs. stay at home)
- Organizational requirements (tidy vs. disorganized)
- Family planning (wants children vs. doesn’t wish to have children)
- Time management (advance planner vs. last-minute planner or no plans)
You might feel discouraged now, but I want to give you some hope. Gottman says 69% of couples’ problems are unsolvable, but he doesn’t mean they can never be fixed. People and situations can change, and over time, some unsolvable issues can become more accessible to handle or even worked out ultimately.
In my opinion, the critical piece is not allowing them to shift into the most daunting type of problem—gridlocked, perpetual problems.
#3 Corrosive Problem
Now, let’s talk about the third and most corrosive type of problem: gridlocked, perpetual problems. These pesky, lingering issues seem unsolvable and have gotten out of hand, becoming your relationship’s ultimate ‘sticking point.’ They can turn chronic and pretty painful, creating a lot of frustration.
When couples try to talk about these gridlocked issues, it often feels like hitting a brick wall—no progress, just circles! The tricky part is these problems usually have hidden agendas lurking beneath the surface, like a surprise party no one asked for.
For example, if you are stuck in a never-ending argument about the same issue, you are likely experiencing gridlock. It’s like running on a hamster wheel; nobody wants to live in an exhausting cycle! In such cases, it’s essential to step back, reassess the situation, and seek professional help to break the cycle.
Here is an idea of what gridlock looks like:
- The conflict leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
- You continue talking about it without progress.
- Whenever you discuss the issue, you feel more frustrated and hurt afterward.
- Your discussion about the problem is devoid of humor or affection.
- You dig in your heels about your positions and refuse to budge.
- Over time, you become more rigid in your position.
- You vilify your partner during discussions. Unfortunately, this vilification makes you both more polarized in your positions.
- You emotionally disengage from each other.
Are you still with me? I hope you understand the types of problems couples experience. Now that we’ve discussed these issues, how can we start addressing them and work toward a solution?
Here’s a straightforward approach to addressing relationship challenges:
First, zero in on the solvable problems. You can tackle These everyday issues—like household chores or planning date night.
Second, acknowledge the unsolvable problems. It’s okay to recognize some issues may never be resolved, at least not right now. Don’t spend too much time or energy on them; even if a problem is unsolvable, it doesn’t mean it will ruin your relationship!
Third, if you are stuck in a never-ending cycle of arguments—what we call perpetual gridlock—it might be time to contact a trained counselor. A counselor can offer a neutral perspective, help facilitate meaningful conversations and guide you in finding a resolution or effective ways to handle those sticky situations. Think of it as bringing in a coach to help you get back in the game!
I hope you found See Your Relationship Problems in a New Light helpful. I’d love your feedback, so feel free to leave a comment.
Homework
What are two solvable problems you and your spouse agree on and discuss for a few minutes?
Links to Enrich Your Relationship
12 Ways to Invest in Your Relationship (article)
Bounce Back: The Secret to Building Resilience in Your Relationships (article)
10 Quick, Proven Ways to Reduce Marital Stress and Conflict (podcast)
Solving the Mystery of a Marriage (podcast)
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