By: John Thurman
Couple’s Fight!
Catch the title, right? How to Fight with Your Spouse: 10 Proven Tips.
Have you ever been at a party, heard a couple say, “Oh, we never fight!” and thought, “Yeah, right!”? It’s perfectly normal for couples to have disagreements—it’s practically a rite of passage in relationships!
A Little History
This August, my wife and I will celebrate 54 years of marriage. Believe it or not, we’ve had our fair share of bickering. The other day, we had a classic showdown because I was distracted by my iPhone—what can I say? It’s hard to say no to a shiny device that glows! But here’s the bright side: after all those years of practice, we’ve become pros at fighting fairly. Being a strong couple means knowing how to keep things light and fun instead of going for the heavy stuff. So yes, we bicker, but we usually do it with a smile (most of the time)! I remember when we were arguing about something trivial, and I made a sarcastic comment that hurt my wife’s feelings. Being more mindful of my words and actions during an argument was a wake-up call.
Fun Facts
Fun fact: most of what we argue about is as meaningful as arguing over who gets the last cookie—spoiler alert, it’s always me! Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher of relationships, says that 69% of couple conflicts revolve around those ongoing issues that never seem to go away. These conflicts are rooted in the fundamental differences between two people: differences in personalities or lifestyle needs.
Now, when it comes to fighting, there’s a key rule: keep cool! Acting like a petulant toddler or, worse, being abusive? Not allowed! If you have genuine feelings or issues, express them—but do so without playing the self-righteous card or taking yourself too seriously. Unfair fighting can lead to emotional scars, trust issues, and even the breakdown of a relationship. It’s crucial to understand the consequences of unfair fighting and strive to fight fairly.
How to Fight with Your Spouse: 10 Proven Tips(with a hint of humor thrown in):
How to Fight with Your Spouse: 10 Proven Tips
1. Keep it between the two of you, literally!
Fighting in front of the kids is not a good idea. It’s not just a little spat; it can emotionally scar them. So, keep the discussions private until you can talk calmly. Remember, your partner’s privacy is as important as yours, so save the juicy details for a Netflix drama instead of your family or friends!
2. Stick to the topic at hand.
Remember, we’re not on an emotional scavenger hunt! Focus on the issue instead of resorting to personal attacks. Your partner’s feelings and dignity should always be respected, so leave the old grudges at the door; they aren’t welcome in this argument.
3. Stay grounded (keep it non-physical)
Address the real issues at hand, not just the symptoms. If you start feeling overwhelmed, check your pulse. If it’s racing like you’re about to run a marathon, it’s time to take a breather and regroup. Mind your words! You’re going down a slippery slope to danger as soon as you start using nasty names. A word of advice: watch your mouth!
4. Ditch the “You never” and “You Always!”
Trust me, these phrases are like opening Pandora’s box, and you don’t want to unleash that chaos!
5. Avoid Character Assassination!
The goal is to tackle the issue, not to go all gladiator on your partner’s personality, family, or previous relationships. Focus on the argument, not the “villain” in the story!
6. Skip the “mind reading” acts.
Ever blurted out, “I know what you’re thinking!”? Congratulations, you just got caught! Ask for clarification if you’re scratching your head over something your partner said. It’s a win-win! It slows things down and shows you genuinely care about understanding them. Plus, bonus points for communication!
7. Stay on Task!
Remember, the goal is to reach a “win-win” situation, not an “I win, you lose” showdown. This isn’t an Olympic event!
8. Keep Your Reactions Proportional
There is no need to bring in heavy artillery to swat a pesky fly! Most disagreements fall into two categories: solvable and unsolvable (for now). Not every little thing is the end of the world, so don’t turn minor hurdles into Mount Everest!
9. Be Open, Honest, and Accepting.
Committing to openness, honesty, and acceptance is like giving your relationship a nice cozy blanket! It makes it easier to relax, listen, and offer feedback. This shift creates a safe space where both partners feel heard, improving your superpower (a.k.a. conflict resolution) and strengthening your bond!
10. Allow a Dignified Retreat
Finally, it is crucial to end a fight on a good note. Recognize when an olive branch is being offered (it might look like an apology or a bad joke) and give each other a graceful way to step back from the disagreement without losing dignity.
If you enjoyed this post, or more importantly, if you learned something new, then please feel free to share it.
Remember, no matter your past, you can learn to “fight fairly” and nurture a long-lasting, loving relationship!
Ancient Wisdom
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, slander, and all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another…” — St. Paul, Ephesians 4:30-31 NLT.
Action Plan
Ready to improve your relationship? Review this article and choose two or three strategies to make your next disagreement more productive. Think of it as leveling up your relationship skills!
If you need some help, let’s talk. The best way to reach out to me is by email: john@covertmercy.com
Helpful Links:
Real Man: How to Reconnect with Your Wife
Learn How to Fight Fair in Your Marriage – Focus on the Family
See Your Relationship Problems in a New Light – John Thurman’s article
Five Ways to Improve Your Relationship – John Thurman’s Podcast
