Shades of Grey Shades of Love – Five Types of Intimacy


(c) 2015 John Thurman Jenny & Hugh
Shades of Love # 3

By John Thurman

What is intimacy? One definition of intimacy is that it is an act or a familiar expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, and love.

I believe as a culture we have lost some of the important components of intimacy by limiting it to just a physical response.

 There has been some breakthrough research that shows which there are at least five different zones of intimacy! Take a moment and grade yourself in each zone, then ask you partner to do the same.

The first is intellectual intimacy. On this level, couples can talk about current events, share ideas and thoughts, even debate political and religious topics. They can jointly participate in the exchange of thoughts and ideas.

The second zone of intimacy is recreational intimacy. This means that there are some leisure activities that a couple enjoys together. It does not mean that they do everything together.

The third zone of intimacy is social intimacy. After decades of marriage, my wife and I realized that its completely okay for her to have her friends and me to have my friends as long as we share some “we” friends. Couple friendships can be a bonus to a relationship by being a sounding board, providing feedback and accountability.

Spiritual intimacy is the fourth level of growing deeper together as a couple. While this zone of intimacy is the most subjective, due to the various religious backgrounds & practices a couple may have, it is still a very important component. In my opinion, one of the most important because a growing relationship is at its core spiritual in nature. Spiritual intimacy is also an important factor when and if children become a part of the family.

The fifth and final level of intimacy is physical intimacy.  Sexual expression is part of our hard wiring and can be both exhilarating and invigorating for a couple, in the right context. In recent years, the primary focus has been primarily on physical intimacy. We have reduced physical intimacy into a series of positions and practices based more on applied physics than on building relationships.

Could it be that one of the reasons we see so many relationships falling apart is that we have failed to understand that intimacy works on several levels? If a relationship is based primarily on sexual expression, it is doomed to fail, in the long run. However, if a couple can grow in their understanding of these different levels of intimacy, their relationship will experience growth in all areas. As you grow in these other areas, then sexual expression within your relationship will become more intense and meaningful. This is because it is based on getting to know your partner and being known by them.

So how can you have a better sex life? Be mindful of the five levels of intimacy and how interconnected they are.

I’d love to hear your opinion.

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