Signs of Spousal Abuse

Abuse: The Victim and Abuser by John Thurman M.Div., M.A.

Unfortunately Christian couples struggle with emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse to about the same degree as the general culture. The major cause for these behaviors is three fold. First there may be a personal theology that is out of whack. Some men and women live a practical theology that diminishes and minimizes their partner. When this happens it become very easy to dehumanize you spouse and become emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually abusive. Second, family history, if you came out of an abusive family you are most likely to end up in another one. Third, if you are in an abusive relationship, and staying in it as is, then you need a reality check. An emotionally abusive marriage consists of a victim and an abuser. It takes two to tango and John has talked with hundreds of men and women who have overcome these destructive tendencies. To make the changes John has listed some basic issues that need to be addressed.

First you have to Get a Grip on the Reality of you Relationship and that means clarifying who and what an abuser and a victim are.

The Abuser

Have you thought about how your actions truly affect your partner? Even when you stop the abuse, the pain continues because you've trampled on your loved one's heart and spirit.
John describes an abuser as both a coward and a bully. You choose to abuse where it is safe, in a place where you feel loved and protected. Would you do it in the workplace where you might get fired or in a social situation where others might get insulted?
You need to understand that respect is commanded, not demanded. You also need to remember that the shortest route to respect is to give it. The scripture shows us a key to receiving respect. “And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph 5:21 (NLT) If you think degrading and belittling your partner commands respect, you're wrong. You are simply demanding by imposing fear and that will not warm the cockles of anyone’s heart.
All abusers have excuses. John’s mom used to say, “When looking for an excuse anyone will do! While the excuses vary, one principle remains: You are abusing instead of being constructive.
If you want to recover — for yourself and your partner — you need to tell yourself: "I'm not going to take this from me anymore." Sit down with your partner, look into his/her eyes, and apologize for the wounds you've inflicted over time. Deal with you stuff and get some help and accountability. Quit making excuses for you behaviors and start to change. It won’t be easy, but it can change your life!
Healing is a process. Releasing your relationship from these old patterns will take patience and persistence, but you can do it!The Victim
Take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship this way, and you must play a role in changing it. Telling your partner that the treatment is unacceptable is not enough. Your actions speak louder than words, so you need to make two bold moves: Change your own routine or behavior, and tell your partner you will no longer take the abuse. Your goal is to move out of being a victim with no power to a survivor with boundaries, hope and a clear picture of what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.
John says: "There are no victims, only volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all. While some individuals were victimized as children when they had no power-things are different as adults. You do have the ability to become powerful and move away from the need to “go along to get along.” Our current culture actually reinforces the whole victim mind set, yet when we look into the scriptures we see that we don’t have to be forced into fear. The New Testament gives us a great measure of hope in 2 Tim 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (NLT). You and your partner can learn to rebuild your relationship.
Relationships are always up for renegotiation. You need to sit down with your partner, look him/her in the eyes, and tell him/her that you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the abuse continues. From there, begin to negotiate. Figure out how both of you can take strides to make the marriage work.
Watch yourself to make sure you don't fall back into the victim role.

“When you yield to the cultural myth of victimization you surrender all of your power to the individual/individuals who wounded you. Unfortunately many Christian and secular therapist build entire practices on helping you stay in a victim modality. I believe that God’s Word confronts this whole idea. Joseph was extremely victimized by his brothers, being sold into slavery, falsely accused and even did jail time for a crime he didn’t commit, yet he developed the attitude of a survivor and God richly blessed him. When he finally confronted his brothers, who had initially betrayed him he said, As far as I am concerned, God turned into good what you meant for evil” Gen 50:20 (NLT).

In summary: Get a Grip on the Reality of Your Relationship

Get a Grip on Your Personal Responsibility for you current situation

Get help if you need it

Get Moving

Get Free from the old habits and move into a revitalized relationship.

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